Let me give you an example of some of those signs. I see a butterfly on my window sill in the morning and two more times throughout the day. I will look up the meaning of butterfly and apply it directly to my life at that time. Normally there is similar reference going on in my life. That research usually spirals off some more signs and the trail continues throughout my day, week or month.
My life is all about signs, I take every tiny detail and I attach it to a good sign or a bad sign. Once I have gathered enough signs for either side of the coin my decision is then made. I really thought I was doing a good thing here, by heeding all the signs in my life.
Except, I am an addict. For those of you that dont understand what it is to be an addict, it means that we do everything in excess.
When I see a sign I take it to the extreme meaning and make it into a biblical law. Everything in my life is then dictated by the signs I receive. My tarot cards, synchronicities, similarities between connected things, road signs and number signs are only a small few ways I make my decisions. Everything in my life is compared and analyzed back to the signs attached to it. Until today i really believed this to be the safest way to live my life.
Again I say until today.
I need to zero in on a small area of my life here as this topic would be to big and leave to much to interpretation if I were to open it wide to all areas of my life. The area I need to focus on is my love life... or lack there of.
I pick that area as it one of the ways for which I act out in my addiction as well as one of the ways I try to fill the void left by lack of fulfilling my addictions.
When I met Merlin it was all about signs. He moved my entire existence so completely that I was left winded and confused for a very long time after he was gone. But his introduction to me was so laden with signs that it was very hard to ignore them as I had truly tried to do. Having seen so many signs and having understood them so completely I began to apply this to all areas of my life. Creating a habit of sorts.
I could do nothing without a sign. If the sign I wanted turned out to be negative I would for the most part honor it. It had been proven with Merlin to work so that must mean all other signs were accurate as well, right?
Wrong. There are many energies at work here on this planet we call earth. Not all signs are from a place of light, or sent by god. As I learned with my next boy toy.
When I landed in Ankhs lap it was propelled by a sign from Sehkmet. A goddess I had worked a ritual with prior to meeting him. This ritual was a very intense one done while I was high as a kite and from a place of desperation and ego. I was lashing out and angry at losing Merlin and not understanding all the loss in my life. So I did a ritual to bring me out of my cloud and show me the truth.
All the signs lead me directly to Ankh and a Meth Pipe. Good signs hey? I followed so blindly that nothing could pull me away from what I felt god was wanting me to do. Even when i knew in my gut that I was not honoring myself on the path I was on, I still dashed forward. It is no wonder that my car headed for that pole when all the truth slapped me in the face.
Proven that all my signs were exaggerated with Ankh. I do not regret any of my time with him however cause I did get what I set out to achieve. The Truth behind my life. But the signs took me deeper then I needed to go. Blind faith took me to some pretty dark places without ever checking into my own intuitions and feelings.
So thats why this time I did things differently yet still incorporated my signs. I see all the places cuddles and I could be great. All the places we could bring about positive change not only within ourselves but in the outside world as well. I can see how he plays into my future. Yet all the signs were pointing away from him.
I begged god this past summer to give me one last hoorah before I call it quits in my land of addiction. I waited for a long time for that hoorah, so when it finally came I never recognized it as such. Which is a good thing cause in the beginning there were no signs attached to our rendezvous. I was able to just enjoy it for what it was and nothing more. A beautiful moment in time.
Ah, but then the signs came and I ignored them. My feelings were coming back having eliminated some of my emotion numbing addictions. Along with my feelings return, my intuition was beginning to slowly trickle back into my belly as well. I began listening to that a bit more and it felt good to honor her again. The signs were contradicting however.
My life the past couple of months in the area of love has been a pretty wild roller coaster ride for me, within the confines of my own little mind. Watching the signs tell me to get the fuck away as fast as I can, yet my feelings and intuition telling me to stay a bit longer. I found myself going back and forth over and over again. Dragging cuddles with me, I did warn him I was crazy.
I gained something from all the confusion created again in my little world however. I trusted both and when combined together they can be a pretty powerful tool in ones life. I acknowledged my signs telling me No this weekend, but went with my feelings of Yes. Today I am grateful for trusting my intuition for it taught me a wonderful lesson.
Some signs are indeed those signs from our divine higher power and when acknowledged and then passed through our feelings we can for sure take action and achieve something that benefits us. There are also signs that we force. We can find a sign in almost anything if we are looking for it. My second boytoy had the same name as my son in law and that for me solidified the fact that him and I were meant to be. Ridiculous? yup. But it was the tenth sign to show me he was the one for me at that time in my life. I see now I was forcing all those signs.
There is a third set of signs that are the ones that I fully understood today. Those are the signs of my addict or from some place in the shadows. The signs that lead us down negative paths. If there is light signs out there, it is only in the cosmic order of things to have a counter balance in the dark. If we attribute God to govern the light then it would be assumed that little G or the devil would govern the Shadows. So I now understand some of these signs are placed before me by the devil who loves to indulge my addictions.
This is why as I was sitting on the can in Burger King today shedding healthy tears over my current breakup. (again dramatized just for the pure pleasure of my own self created hell within my mind) I came to fully understand how the signs effected my current situation.
All my cards and signs this weekend were about slipping back and not letting go. I was very frustrated with these signs as I truly felt I 'needed' to do what i was doing. Again nothing is every easy in my mind as there is an addict that squats there, so to trust what I 'feel' is needed, is like trusting a dog not to leave an open yard. Some dogs wouldnt leave, Harley wouldn't. But still I am not gonna risk it either. Well my mind is the same way. Feelings being so foreign to me right now I cannot put any kinda faith into them.
I did this weekend though. I relapsed in two ways and feel no guilt over either. Today I feel more relieved and feel for the first time in many years that I am now free of the demons that hold me back. Having listened to the cards and the signs I would have held on to my fears and passed up the opportunity to relapse. That would have prolonged my recovery and would have left my heart plagued for more days then needed.
I went with my feelings and feel I have the closure I need to move on. I tied up the lose ends of the relationship and said what I needed to in order to leave the energy there with him. Selfish some would say but in recovery you must be selfish in order to get to selfless.
I dont think what I did today was selfish however I told a boy how incredible they were and how hard it was for me to walk away from it knowing that my heart was his for the taking. Its not much of a heart though and thats why I needed to take it back. I need to get my heart healed and healthy before I begin giving it away to sexy boys to take care of. Could he have nourished it for me? Probably. But the signs were telling me that would not have happened and my intuition also told me that same thing.
I took the signs in combinination with my intuition and I planned a course of action that has left me standing in my integrity. My eyes are drained of tears and my mind exhausted, but for the first time in a very long time I feel I did something good for someone else instead of hurting all those I love. I gave back today. I gave back a very amazing man and told the world I may not be ready for him, but he is definitely ready for some equally amazing woman. As much as my Ego wants to punch me, my soul says i did the right thing.
Signs are meant to be acknowledged. Not lived by. Acknowledged and then filtered through your heart. When all feels good action can then be taken and then you know fully that you are making the right choice for you in that moment in time.
I will continue to draw my daily cards and to heed advice where necessary, but now that I am freeing myself from the chains that have held me captive for the past few years I can begin to test my own intuition and higher power to lovingly drive my bus where it needs to go.
And just for the record I am now officially free of all boys, toys and sex. To walk my path of self discovery and recovery.
02/21/12 I will take my one year tag.