Monday, February 14, 2011


This is a day that invokes a wide variety of feelings in people.

I just proofed that sentence before continuing on with this one and I was stunned how it typed out…. 'Feeling sin' instead of feelings in. That may be like a common typo for many people but to someone who’s entire life is dictated by signs and symbols that was a huge one as it is what I struggle with today. Sin. And Feeling. I feel a revelation coming on.

Haha… sometimes I never know what I am gonna write about till I get started and other times what I did want to write about takes a whole different topic and runs with it. Today I am not sure where I am going so hang out and read on to find out I guess…..

This world in my new belief structure is that of the devils playground. Let me shed light here on the fact that until very recently had you discussed anything about Jesus and the devil with me I would have ignored you and walked away. I have made mention to this already I am sure.

We are all born of the light. The light being whatever you choose to believe it is. It really is nothing more then knowing that you were born a good person. We are all good people when we are born. Have you ever met an evil baby before? Our growth and lessons here on this earth are facilitated by ourselves and our spirit guides before coming here. I was taught that this is called a contract. A contract you make before ever coming here to earth for this incarnation. It matters not if you believe in incarnations or even close to the same thing as me, cause you cannot deny the balance between black and white or good or bad. Thats what I am really trying to get at here. Balance.

So if we are born of the light, born good then what happens to us?

How does the darkness come in, where do we go bad? Why do we go bad? Who or what snuffs out that light within us? How do these lessons and contracts fit in to keeping our light? If we do indeed have lessons to learn here on earth then who is The head of the school?

The Devil. All of our challenges that help us to grow are instigated by the sins of this earth.

Until recently I did not believe in sin or anything to do with Christian beliefs. And truly I still do not follow the Christian faith, I am a firm proud pagan and will stay that way. What a pagan is however is someone who is open to all views of spirituality and believes in balance. Wether that balance is found in the god and the goddess or the positives and the negatives of life.

My personal balance today is between the addict in me and the light in me. When this internal struggle rages within I can relate it best to that of the devil and his sins and that of Jesus and his saviors. For I am Mary Magdalene…. As are all females/males that struggle with addiction as she had.

I had wanted to discuss Valentines day, so let me move back to that now.

This day has been a source of dread for me for many years. When I was married it was my disappointment that my husband was not at all romantic. He did try really hard to be, i will give him that. He bought me flowers three times in our 17 years together. We rarely went on romantic dinners, and never really went out of our way to show each other any sort of deep appreciation for our love that we shared. This did indeed made me bitter and its what ultimately lead to our demise. Although I am not an innocent saint here either. Its very hard to shower your lover with appreciation and gifts when truly your relationship lacks romantic type of love in the first place. Full of functioning family love though.....

How could I fully love my Ex when I didnt even love myself? This I am finding to be such an incredibly true fact that I am not sure many people fully understand. When you do not love yourself you cannot possible attract love to you. As within so without. Many people feel they have found love, as I had with my husband, but in truth I was settling. I was forcing love out of need to raise our child together, other people do it because they have met someone with the same commonalities as them, but there is not a wowing spark there. Its okay though... 2 out of 3 aint bad.

Where does this false feeling or half feeling of love come from? Why is it when they split up 7 years later they say…’I am not sure I ever loved him?’ Hmmm…. Who’s playground is this again?

Yup. You thought it first. That sexy heartless Devil. Him and his pretty packages that are empty inside. He doesn’t want you to find that light again. Your lessons I am sure were hard ones as mine were, I found self hatred early in life. I know this is my lesson as an addict here on earth. I could not love my Ex as he could not love me, for our mothers abandoned us when we were both young, his physically, mine emotionally and we never learned how to love properly.

The understanding of our emotions is a learned art. There are so many of us that have no idea how to feel many of our emotions. When strong feelings come up I either stuff them down with food. Numb them out with drugs or alcohol. Punch the living daylights out of a passerby or sex up a guy. whether we are aware of it or not most of us do this, all the time or at least at one point of our lives.

This is so accepted in our society that there are movies and songs that breed the addictions to avoiding your feelings. Sex sells, you see it in almost every commercial. Food is a big economy booster, fastfood commercials flood your favorite shows, And alcohol is something that shows a real good time. Lets be honest here, we all sin. Even your devout Christians that can find the love for Jesus but many still cannot love themselves. And that is a sin. I would say the ultimate sin.

That is why Valentines day invokes so many feelings for people. If we do not love ourselves we see this holiday as a threat. My partner will mess this up for sure and I will be yet again disappointed. Or if I am single it brings up feelings of being unloved which really just feeds into more self hatred for myself. What about the other end and the pressure that it puts on most men. Cause again lets be honest here, it really is a testing holiday for them. It’s a make or break relationship holiday for the new couples. How sad is that? This holiday just broke my current relationship. (which is a very good thing, but for another post, another time)

I do feel that there are people out there that have found the love for themselves or had never lost it having been raised in a healthy family and having been taught how to understand their feelings. What about those people, How do they handle this holiday? I love to observe people and even though I don’t fully love myself although I must admit I am getting there, what I see makes me giggle a bit.

For the people that love daily, this is a non holiday. Why do they need one day to show their lover that they care about them? Why do they need an expensive gift and a way over priced dinner on this special day to say, ‘Hey baby, I love you’. Especially when last night they looked deep into each others eyes in a loving embrace and they felt in the deepest parts of their souls the love of two whole happy people. It seems ridiculous to go out for dinner to flaunt that love. Who are you flaunting it for when the love is felt strongest when you are alone and relaxed together? Nah, true lovers do not go out today, they take the day off work and stay home in bed all day together. Tomorrow they go out for a romantic meal, and avoid the showboating of the fake lovers.

Valentines day to me was created by the Devil to mock the light that is meant to be sacred and shared daily.... not reserved to just one day. The pressure on this day to feel love will drive many people to sin repeatedly and the Devil will laugh the entire day. Watching the students of his playground go through their tough lessons of self love. For those of you that do not like the reference to the Devil as I still am a bit wary of it myself. Look at it this way. The negative feelings caused on this day are so strong that they will infect their neighbors unconsciously…. Creating a sadness felt by many people. Sadness breeds bad habits and for this valentines day is notorious.

Why else would this day be put in a month that is the highest depression month? The people that have found love it may be to pick up their spirits. For the people that lack love this is a very tough time for depression.

The economy is also reliant on our self hatred. How many of us will run out and buy that box of chocolates ourselves to gorge on tonight as we rent 2 romantic comedies off paper view and cry ourselves to sleep tonight… knowing that tomorrow will be a new day and a fresh start. From my learned behaviors I will feed my addictions, feed the darkness of this world and keep feeding into not feeling anything. This is what this holiday breeds.

I do feel hope however today.

I feel as a world we are getting smarter and we are becoming aware of these holidays that invoke negative feelings, that power us cattle to stay inline and walking where our leaders wish us to go. Holidays that drain our pocket books as much as our hearts. We are becoming guarded and blocking out more of the darkness. Becoming awakened to self love and the light that makes us feel good about ourselves. We are finding new ways to spend our hard earned money that we deserve and respect.

I see examples of self love popping up everywhere around me in the forms of a single woman walking her Elk hound daily, or the mother that goes out of her way to teach her child that love is stronger then reprimand. I see people hugging more today and using less words to express themselves.

Its a good thing that positives out weigh negatives and Love is stronger then self hate.

Love is in the air today. We must first grab it for ourselves however before we try to share it with another. Do something nice for yourself today. Go look in the mirror, look deep into your eyes and tell yourself you are loved. Then hug the next person you see. Do that everyday and no longer will we need just one day to acknowledge that love exists every day…. Everywhere.

I love you not just for today.... but for everyday.

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