Sunday, March 6, 2011


'...And most of all I will love myself. For when I do I will zealously inspect all things which enter my body, my mind, my soul, and my heart. Never will I overindulge the requests of my flesh, rather I will cherish my body with cleanliness and moderation.'

Its 7am on a Sunday, my son does not have hockey practice, I question why I am in a alert state at this moment. The reason? Because my ribcage hurts from the 10 hours of sleep I just indulged in, this followed by 14 hours yesterday! Am I sick? Nope. Am I recovering from something? Nope. Am I depressed? Not really, trying to self induce it maybe. Analysis incomplete.

Annoyed at being up so early on my sleep in day I decide to treat myself to a Tim Hortons coffee. Coffee which I cut out of my diet two weeks ago cause of the midday crash it would induce. As I get to the little microphone at the drive thru I hear myself ordering 2 extra large triple triples. Who is this second coffee for? Hmmm... My mind figures I have no coffee at home and you know, ones not gonna be enough for you today. Well, go big or go home, I hear the little evil bitch in my ear giggle.

Lady Vixen, the addict in me is alive and well I acknowledge begrudgingly. This is when thoughts of the war with her lead me back to self love. What the hell is that really and why is it so hard for me to do this?

The above is another saying from the 'Worlds Greatest Salesman' that I have been battling with my whole life. For many years I been on the search for the easy answer to self love. Instant gratification always getting the best of me on my journey. This society we have created does not make it easy to love ourselves. It breeds addiction and overindulgence at ever curve of the river.

This is one of my personal struggles, bringing it back to me and to stop blaming society for all of my woes. I realize that our environment is what it is and its up to me to overcome and walk the path that has been carved out for me. I continually and painfully climb up the cliffs and banks to each side of my path always curious as to what else is out there. This is where the shiny objects and the neon signs on the other side of the ledge captivate my attention. Once I have climbed over to the other side my addict takes over and life becomes a game of how much can I overindulge. Sin city always welcomes my return and works very hard to keep my business.

Why is it that we overindulge in the first place? I find today I am desperately trying to go to extremes to sabotage my path. Drugs, promiscuity, food, sleep, negative thoughts.... and I am sure there are several more I could add to this list if I allowed my mind to go there. I dont want to however, because that will just give me more fuel to harm my body with. It all comes back to self love and filling that void.

I know I am not the only one falling victim to self hate. Every second person in my city is over weight, and the other half is not moderating their drug and alcohol use. This understanding i find is one of those pieces of information I would be better off not having, because it makes me feel defeated before I even begin. If over half of my peers over indulge how am I ever going to stop, or why do I even have to? If there doing it and surviving why cant I?

Momma's voice pops into my head and asks if I am willing to jump off the bridge to because everyone else is?

As the years have gone by I have peeled layer after layer off in my self love vs. self hate battle and I find I am beginning to get to the core of it. I have read every book out there teaching me how to love myself but I find all of them are wanting to go so deep into your trauma's that they neglect the simple direct approach.

Stop physically killing yourself first.

Don't kid yourself over eating is killing yourself. Number one cause of death in the modern world is obesity. Every single person that is obese is so by choice. Sorry folks but your not special with a disease that cause fat to miraculously form on your body. You eat to many starches and thats what caused it. Too Simple.

When you stop eating however that self hate has to have some outlet to express itself, so it finds another avenue. Drugs for some people are another hating option. Again junkie you do have an option, a huge and I mean very huge portion of our healthcare dollars go to making free programs to help you get off drugs. It's your choice to stay on the streets and stick the needle in your arm. I choose to stay high for three years recently, and to walk away from my dream job, my family and my security because I choose to hate myself.

Now that I am no longer overeating, or smoking dope, I find that I am oversleeping and indulging in all the requests of my flesh. Every time I indulge now however i am brutally aware of another way I am hating myself and I make a point to do something I love for myself. I am finding ways to live clean and to detoxify my body, soul and mind. I am practicing the moderation that I taught my weight loss clients for three years to honor. I am now taking physical and tangible steps to love myself.

The serenity prayer tells me to focus on only whats in my control and overindulging is absolutely something I can work actively on. The self love cannot be forced, it is out of my control. I do understand how by actively working on showing Lady Vixen that she cannot lead me down the dead ends anymore that I will easily begin to follow my own path and begin to see the rewards of my own carved out road has to offer.

The instant gratification of My vixen is keeping me in my self hate pool of pity, I am bored with this after 30 years of its indulgence. I embrace the challenge of staying on my own path of salvation and walking into my true destiny's loving embrace.

Just for today I will not overindulge in the requests of my flesh. (...After this second cup of coffee that is!!)

Friday, March 4, 2011


'Today I will commence my journey unencumbered with either the weight of unnecessary knowledge or the handicap of meaningless experience'

I have sat with this saying for months rethinking what it really means. How can any knowledge be unnecessary? Is knowledge not power? Does that not mean the the more knowledge you have the more powerful you are? To 'know' is to have special powers over your opponent. To have the upper hand in a conversation is to have more knowledge then the other person. Right?

I have always lived in the know. To know was my power. To know things was how I gained control over my surroundings. I always inspire to be like those book smart people that have an answer for everything. I also love the ability to manipulate the people around me because I 'know' how to proceed to get my way.

My knowing ran deep when it comes to the way people act, why they act the way they do and how they will react to certain situations. So why would I ever want to proceed without that knowledge? How do you determine which knowledge is unnecessary?

And Experience.. isn't the action of knowledge just this? The lessons we take away from our experiences are crucial to our futures are they not? How is one to leave experience behind, and why would you want to? To ignore your experiences and not learn from them would lead to a reliving of old patterns, would it not?

Like I said earlier I have been chewing alot on this phrase from one of my thought re-patterning books, 'The Worlds Greatest Salesman'. Contemplating what that means as i begin my new life. A life where I want to stop the insanity and begin living in a new way. A way that I have never tried before.

Aha, and there in lies my answer. A way I have never tried before.

Bringing along experiences from the past are irrelevant when it comes to creating a new life. I got hung up for a few months on the idea that I needed my past experiences to show me what I Don't want to create within this life, but I now understand what that does. By focusing on what I dont want I am unable to focus on what I do want. So to pull the past into my future does one of two things...

Focusing on my past experiences, keeps me totally stagnant, unable to move into my future for the spinning wheels are stuck in the mud of what I dont want. Thats where I have been for several months now, the second thing that happens is you keep repeating your past just in new ways.

We are so smart and strong that when we bring the past into the future we will recreate it in a way that is so completely new that we may not even recognize it as repeating a pattern. This is when your friends begin to annoy you because they can see your cycle but you cannot relate because your mind is so focussed on a new life based on your old experiences. Thats a pretty shaky foundation dont you think?

So letting go of old experiences that are completely meaningless in this new life is an absolute must if you are to begin and create something that is better then anything you had imagined for yourself in the past.

What about knowledge however? I worked hard at training my brain with knowledge to get myself ahead in this age of information, I dont want to give that up.

Have you ever heard the term ignorance is bliss? Do you understand it? I didn't for a long time. I do now. Sometimes knowledge is not good for us. Sometimes knowing things that we weren't meant to know is better for us. Knowledge can and does hurt many people. A lot of unnecessary hurt comes from the abuse of knowledge. That weight can impede the trek of our new life.

Knowledge of past hurts hold us back. Insanity is defined by doing the same thing and expecting different results. Knowledge holds us here because we think that if we just learn more and outsmart the situation we will beat it. Most times this is not true when it comes to our life lessons.

Sometimes knowing something takes away from the intuition you feel. Living in your head while moving into your new life will keep you locked into your limited knowledge of what you future can be. Knowledge will also instill you with fear over what can be if you miss step something in your new life. thus preventing you from taking any steps forward or from taking steps into the unknown.

Thats really what it boils down to doesn't it? Knowledge will keep you from experiencing what is unknown, because you lack the book words as a guide through the darkness. Again as in experience keeping you stuck and spinning your wheels in the muck.

Today I begin a new life and I will not let the weight of unnecessary knowledge of how my life is suppose to look and the handicap of meaningless experience hold me back from creating something beyond my wildest imaginings. I will no longer recreate my patterns and for the first time in my life I will walk into my future unaware of what the universe has to teach me.

I will no longer pre study and be the keener in the front row thinking she has all the answers. I will be the kid that runs in with just a pen and paper and asks alot of questions. I will be the kid that volunteers the answers when I know I am wrong and let humility teach me what is right, I will be the first to help the teacher demonstrate the solution and I will stay late to understand on a deeper level what the lesson was about. Then I will rush out of that class and forget it all by the next class!!

I will act in my new life as appose to read and experience as a spectator.... I will become the actor!

Monday, February 21, 2011


Pay attention to the signs. I love that movie with Jim Carry about god and paying attention to all the signs around you. It slips my mind the name of the movie but I took that message to heart as it was what I already did. Signs.

Let me give you an example of some of those signs. I see a butterfly on my window sill in the morning and two more times throughout the day. I will look up the meaning of butterfly and apply it directly to my life at that time. Normally there is similar reference going on in my life. That research usually spirals off some more signs and the trail continues throughout my day, week or month.

My life is all about signs, I take every tiny detail and I attach it to a good sign or a bad sign. Once I have gathered enough signs for either side of the coin my decision is then made. I really thought I was doing a good thing here, by heeding all the signs in my life.

Except, I am an addict. For those of you that dont understand what it is to be an addict, it means that we do everything in excess.

When I see a sign I take it to the extreme meaning and make it into a biblical law. Everything in my life is then dictated by the signs I receive. My tarot cards, synchronicities, similarities between connected things, road signs and number signs are only a small few ways I make my decisions. Everything in my life is compared and analyzed back to the signs attached to it. Until today i really believed this to be the safest way to live my life.

Again I say until today.

I need to zero in on a small area of my life here as this topic would be to big and leave to much to interpretation if I were to open it wide to all areas of my life. The area I need to focus on is my love life... or lack there of.

I pick that area as it one of the ways for which I act out in my addiction as well as one of the ways I try to fill the void left by lack of fulfilling my addictions.

When I met Merlin it was all about signs. He moved my entire existence so completely that I was left winded and confused for a very long time after he was gone. But his introduction to me was so laden with signs that it was very hard to ignore them as I had truly tried to do. Having seen so many signs and having understood them so completely I began to apply this to all areas of my life. Creating a habit of sorts.

I could do nothing without a sign. If the sign I wanted turned out to be negative I would for the most part honor it. It had been proven with Merlin to work so that must mean all other signs were accurate as well, right?

Wrong. There are many energies at work here on this planet we call earth. Not all signs are from a place of light, or sent by god. As I learned with my next boy toy.

When I landed in Ankhs lap it was propelled by a sign from Sehkmet. A goddess I had worked a ritual with prior to meeting him. This ritual was a very intense one done while I was high as a kite and from a place of desperation and ego. I was lashing out and angry at losing Merlin and not understanding all the loss in my life. So I did a ritual to bring me out of my cloud and show me the truth.

All the signs lead me directly to Ankh and a Meth Pipe. Good signs hey? I followed so blindly that nothing could pull me away from what I felt god was wanting me to do. Even when i knew in my gut that I was not honoring myself on the path I was on, I still dashed forward. It is no wonder that my car headed for that pole when all the truth slapped me in the face.

Proven that all my signs were exaggerated with Ankh. I do not regret any of my time with him however cause I did get what I set out to achieve. The Truth behind my life. But the signs took me deeper then I needed to go. Blind faith took me to some pretty dark places without ever checking into my own intuitions and feelings.

So thats why this time I did things differently yet still incorporated my signs. I see all the places cuddles and I could be great. All the places we could bring about positive change not only within ourselves but in the outside world as well. I can see how he plays into my future. Yet all the signs were pointing away from him.

I begged god this past summer to give me one last hoorah before I call it quits in my land of addiction. I waited for a long time for that hoorah, so when it finally came I never recognized it as such. Which is a good thing cause in the beginning there were no signs attached to our rendezvous. I was able to just enjoy it for what it was and nothing more. A beautiful moment in time.

Ah, but then the signs came and I ignored them. My feelings were coming back having eliminated some of my emotion numbing addictions. Along with my feelings return, my intuition was beginning to slowly trickle back into my belly as well. I began listening to that a bit more and it felt good to honor her again. The signs were contradicting however.

My life the past couple of months in the area of love has been a pretty wild roller coaster ride for me, within the confines of my own little mind. Watching the signs tell me to get the fuck away as fast as I can, yet my feelings and intuition telling me to stay a bit longer. I found myself going back and forth over and over again. Dragging cuddles with me, I did warn him I was crazy.

I gained something from all the confusion created again in my little world however. I trusted both and when combined together they can be a pretty powerful tool in ones life. I acknowledged my signs telling me No this weekend, but went with my feelings of Yes. Today I am grateful for trusting my intuition for it taught me a wonderful lesson.

Some signs are indeed those signs from our divine higher power and when acknowledged and then passed through our feelings we can for sure take action and achieve something that benefits us. There are also signs that we force. We can find a sign in almost anything if we are looking for it. My second boytoy had the same name as my son in law and that for me solidified the fact that him and I were meant to be. Ridiculous? yup. But it was the tenth sign to show me he was the one for me at that time in my life. I see now I was forcing all those signs.

There is a third set of signs that are the ones that I fully understood today. Those are the signs of my addict or from some place in the shadows. The signs that lead us down negative paths. If there is light signs out there, it is only in the cosmic order of things to have a counter balance in the dark. If we attribute God to govern the light then it would be assumed that little G or the devil would govern the Shadows. So I now understand some of these signs are placed before me by the devil who loves to indulge my addictions.

This is why as I was sitting on the can in Burger King today shedding healthy tears over my current breakup. (again dramatized just for the pure pleasure of my own self created hell within my mind) I came to fully understand how the signs effected my current situation.

All my cards and signs this weekend were about slipping back and not letting go. I was very frustrated with these signs as I truly felt I 'needed' to do what i was doing. Again nothing is every easy in my mind as there is an addict that squats there, so to trust what I 'feel' is needed, is like trusting a dog not to leave an open yard. Some dogs wouldnt leave, Harley wouldn't. But still I am not gonna risk it either. Well my mind is the same way. Feelings being so foreign to me right now I cannot put any kinda faith into them.

I did this weekend though. I relapsed in two ways and feel no guilt over either. Today I feel more relieved and feel for the first time in many years that I am now free of the demons that hold me back. Having listened to the cards and the signs I would have held on to my fears and passed up the opportunity to relapse. That would have prolonged my recovery and would have left my heart plagued for more days then needed.

I went with my feelings and feel I have the closure I need to move on. I tied up the lose ends of the relationship and said what I needed to in order to leave the energy there with him. Selfish some would say but in recovery you must be selfish in order to get to selfless.

I dont think what I did today was selfish however I told a boy how incredible they were and how hard it was for me to walk away from it knowing that my heart was his for the taking. Its not much of a heart though and thats why I needed to take it back. I need to get my heart healed and healthy before I begin giving it away to sexy boys to take care of. Could he have nourished it for me? Probably. But the signs were telling me that would not have happened and my intuition also told me that same thing.

I took the signs in combinination with my intuition and I planned a course of action that has left me standing in my integrity. My eyes are drained of tears and my mind exhausted, but for the first time in a very long time I feel I did something good for someone else instead of hurting all those I love. I gave back today. I gave back a very amazing man and told the world I may not be ready for him, but he is definitely ready for some equally amazing woman. As much as my Ego wants to punch me, my soul says i did the right thing.

Signs are meant to be acknowledged. Not lived by. Acknowledged and then filtered through your heart. When all feels good action can then be taken and then you know fully that you are making the right choice for you in that moment in time.

I will continue to draw my daily cards and to heed advice where necessary, but now that I am freeing myself from the chains that have held me captive for the past few years I can begin to test my own intuition and higher power to lovingly drive my bus where it needs to go.

And just for the record I am now officially free of all boys, toys and sex. To walk my path of self discovery and recovery.

02/21/12 I will take my one year tag.

Monday, February 14, 2011


This is a day that invokes a wide variety of feelings in people.

I just proofed that sentence before continuing on with this one and I was stunned how it typed out…. 'Feeling sin' instead of feelings in. That may be like a common typo for many people but to someone who’s entire life is dictated by signs and symbols that was a huge one as it is what I struggle with today. Sin. And Feeling. I feel a revelation coming on.

Haha… sometimes I never know what I am gonna write about till I get started and other times what I did want to write about takes a whole different topic and runs with it. Today I am not sure where I am going so hang out and read on to find out I guess…..

This world in my new belief structure is that of the devils playground. Let me shed light here on the fact that until very recently had you discussed anything about Jesus and the devil with me I would have ignored you and walked away. I have made mention to this already I am sure.

We are all born of the light. The light being whatever you choose to believe it is. It really is nothing more then knowing that you were born a good person. We are all good people when we are born. Have you ever met an evil baby before? Our growth and lessons here on this earth are facilitated by ourselves and our spirit guides before coming here. I was taught that this is called a contract. A contract you make before ever coming here to earth for this incarnation. It matters not if you believe in incarnations or even close to the same thing as me, cause you cannot deny the balance between black and white or good or bad. Thats what I am really trying to get at here. Balance.

So if we are born of the light, born good then what happens to us?

How does the darkness come in, where do we go bad? Why do we go bad? Who or what snuffs out that light within us? How do these lessons and contracts fit in to keeping our light? If we do indeed have lessons to learn here on earth then who is The head of the school?

The Devil. All of our challenges that help us to grow are instigated by the sins of this earth.

Until recently I did not believe in sin or anything to do with Christian beliefs. And truly I still do not follow the Christian faith, I am a firm proud pagan and will stay that way. What a pagan is however is someone who is open to all views of spirituality and believes in balance. Wether that balance is found in the god and the goddess or the positives and the negatives of life.

My personal balance today is between the addict in me and the light in me. When this internal struggle rages within I can relate it best to that of the devil and his sins and that of Jesus and his saviors. For I am Mary Magdalene…. As are all females/males that struggle with addiction as she had.

I had wanted to discuss Valentines day, so let me move back to that now.

This day has been a source of dread for me for many years. When I was married it was my disappointment that my husband was not at all romantic. He did try really hard to be, i will give him that. He bought me flowers three times in our 17 years together. We rarely went on romantic dinners, and never really went out of our way to show each other any sort of deep appreciation for our love that we shared. This did indeed made me bitter and its what ultimately lead to our demise. Although I am not an innocent saint here either. Its very hard to shower your lover with appreciation and gifts when truly your relationship lacks romantic type of love in the first place. Full of functioning family love though.....

How could I fully love my Ex when I didnt even love myself? This I am finding to be such an incredibly true fact that I am not sure many people fully understand. When you do not love yourself you cannot possible attract love to you. As within so without. Many people feel they have found love, as I had with my husband, but in truth I was settling. I was forcing love out of need to raise our child together, other people do it because they have met someone with the same commonalities as them, but there is not a wowing spark there. Its okay though... 2 out of 3 aint bad.

Where does this false feeling or half feeling of love come from? Why is it when they split up 7 years later they say…’I am not sure I ever loved him?’ Hmmm…. Who’s playground is this again?

Yup. You thought it first. That sexy heartless Devil. Him and his pretty packages that are empty inside. He doesn’t want you to find that light again. Your lessons I am sure were hard ones as mine were, I found self hatred early in life. I know this is my lesson as an addict here on earth. I could not love my Ex as he could not love me, for our mothers abandoned us when we were both young, his physically, mine emotionally and we never learned how to love properly.

The understanding of our emotions is a learned art. There are so many of us that have no idea how to feel many of our emotions. When strong feelings come up I either stuff them down with food. Numb them out with drugs or alcohol. Punch the living daylights out of a passerby or sex up a guy. whether we are aware of it or not most of us do this, all the time or at least at one point of our lives.

This is so accepted in our society that there are movies and songs that breed the addictions to avoiding your feelings. Sex sells, you see it in almost every commercial. Food is a big economy booster, fastfood commercials flood your favorite shows, And alcohol is something that shows a real good time. Lets be honest here, we all sin. Even your devout Christians that can find the love for Jesus but many still cannot love themselves. And that is a sin. I would say the ultimate sin.

That is why Valentines day invokes so many feelings for people. If we do not love ourselves we see this holiday as a threat. My partner will mess this up for sure and I will be yet again disappointed. Or if I am single it brings up feelings of being unloved which really just feeds into more self hatred for myself. What about the other end and the pressure that it puts on most men. Cause again lets be honest here, it really is a testing holiday for them. It’s a make or break relationship holiday for the new couples. How sad is that? This holiday just broke my current relationship. (which is a very good thing, but for another post, another time)

I do feel that there are people out there that have found the love for themselves or had never lost it having been raised in a healthy family and having been taught how to understand their feelings. What about those people, How do they handle this holiday? I love to observe people and even though I don’t fully love myself although I must admit I am getting there, what I see makes me giggle a bit.

For the people that love daily, this is a non holiday. Why do they need one day to show their lover that they care about them? Why do they need an expensive gift and a way over priced dinner on this special day to say, ‘Hey baby, I love you’. Especially when last night they looked deep into each others eyes in a loving embrace and they felt in the deepest parts of their souls the love of two whole happy people. It seems ridiculous to go out for dinner to flaunt that love. Who are you flaunting it for when the love is felt strongest when you are alone and relaxed together? Nah, true lovers do not go out today, they take the day off work and stay home in bed all day together. Tomorrow they go out for a romantic meal, and avoid the showboating of the fake lovers.

Valentines day to me was created by the Devil to mock the light that is meant to be sacred and shared daily.... not reserved to just one day. The pressure on this day to feel love will drive many people to sin repeatedly and the Devil will laugh the entire day. Watching the students of his playground go through their tough lessons of self love. For those of you that do not like the reference to the Devil as I still am a bit wary of it myself. Look at it this way. The negative feelings caused on this day are so strong that they will infect their neighbors unconsciously…. Creating a sadness felt by many people. Sadness breeds bad habits and for this valentines day is notorious.

Why else would this day be put in a month that is the highest depression month? The people that have found love it may be to pick up their spirits. For the people that lack love this is a very tough time for depression.

The economy is also reliant on our self hatred. How many of us will run out and buy that box of chocolates ourselves to gorge on tonight as we rent 2 romantic comedies off paper view and cry ourselves to sleep tonight… knowing that tomorrow will be a new day and a fresh start. From my learned behaviors I will feed my addictions, feed the darkness of this world and keep feeding into not feeling anything. This is what this holiday breeds.

I do feel hope however today.

I feel as a world we are getting smarter and we are becoming aware of these holidays that invoke negative feelings, that power us cattle to stay inline and walking where our leaders wish us to go. Holidays that drain our pocket books as much as our hearts. We are becoming guarded and blocking out more of the darkness. Becoming awakened to self love and the light that makes us feel good about ourselves. We are finding new ways to spend our hard earned money that we deserve and respect.

I see examples of self love popping up everywhere around me in the forms of a single woman walking her Elk hound daily, or the mother that goes out of her way to teach her child that love is stronger then reprimand. I see people hugging more today and using less words to express themselves.

Its a good thing that positives out weigh negatives and Love is stronger then self hate.

Love is in the air today. We must first grab it for ourselves however before we try to share it with another. Do something nice for yourself today. Go look in the mirror, look deep into your eyes and tell yourself you are loved. Then hug the next person you see. Do that everyday and no longer will we need just one day to acknowledge that love exists every day…. Everywhere.

I love you not just for today.... but for everyday.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Jack and My Sinking Titanic.....

‘It's been 84 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint. The china had never been used. The sheets had never been slept in. Titanic was called the Ship of Dreams, and it was. It really was.’

I believe everyone has a Titanic in their life. An experience, situation, or a person, that is meant to sink to the bottom of the ocean once it is over. An overly intense event that alters ones life forever. I did. I write as Rose from the Titanic in my own epic tale of a life of sex and drugs, and the boy who saved me.

‘I saw my whole life as if I had already lived it. An endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared... or even noticed.’

My life had become an endless string of parties, drugs and random guys when I stepped onto my own Titanic. I knew my life was going in the wrong direction and I couldn’t seem to stop it. My friends tried to show me how to get out of the hole I had dug for myself, to no avail. I felt I could trust no one. My addictions kept my mind so narrowly focused that all I could do was put one foot in front of the other. Keeping my eyes closed tightly to the demons surrounding me.

I turned to my higher power and begged to be carried to nicer surroundings. I begged for foot prints in the sand, I begged for death. I just wanted to be free of my own demons. I cried so much that my eyes were always bloodshot and my heart full of salt.

Soon I found myself cocooned in my mothers living room, performing a ritual to bring me back to health and happiness. A reprieve from the parties, drugs and sex. I asked Spirit to focus me and lead me out of my mess and to let me walk on my true path of destiny. My spirit of choice had 4 symbols known to her. During this ritual I had three with me, it was the fourth I needed to acquire, so I asked to be delivered the fourth symbol and then I would be ready to walk the tunnel to my own salvation.

With the attention span of a two year old, how quickly my addictions claimed me back. Before long I found myself in a car with my closest friend driving out to both of our futures. How anyone can find their future in Buttcrack no where town is beyond me, but we found ours there. Today I learned her future had left her beaten and broken on the side of the highway 1000 miles from home. My future however was in the form of the most beautiful boy I had ever had the pleasure of letting my eyes rest on.

He was dressed in sweats and a Grey hoody. Hood up, hidden behind a layer of grease from working on the truck we had to walk around in the front yard. When my eyes connected with his, I could see the brightest light smouldering behind the exploring look he was giving me. It was instant for me. This guy was my future.

The most incredible smile creeped across his lips as he explained he was going to go shower and would be right back. While he walked away he removed his sweater to reveal his back. On the top center of his back was a sacred tattoo. The Ankh, an Egyptian cross with a loop on the top of it. It was the symbol I Was waiting for. I stood absolutely stunned, staring at the last symbol of my Spirit. I expected to find it as a little pendant on a chain. I was shocked to see it on a man! Astounded I now understood why I felt an instant connection with him.

Yes this was my Jack. I will follow him anywhere. He is my salvation. He is the last piece of my puzzle.

From that moment on I was completely focused on my Jack. I drove to him every chance I got. He was not in a very pretty place in his own life. Beaten down by his own addictions and seeing no light at the end of his own tunnel, we were a sorry match. Misfits of a system gone bad. Learning how to run under the law and bending our realities with minds full of sex and drugs. He wanted out. I could offer him that.

(Mary Brown) You shine up like a new penny

I brought him to my new apartment. He cleaned up. Like a new penny he was intensely beautiful. As he got cleaner he smiled more, he laughed more, we had fun. He quickly became part of my circle of friends. We all loved him equally, I think because we all recognized the strength he was displaying over the mastering of his addictions. He held true to his promises. He got a job and pitched in around the house. He held up his end of the bargain.

JACK: No wait. Let me try to get this out. You're amazing....and I know I have nothing to offer you, Rose. I know that. But I'm involved now. You jump, I jump, remember? I can't turn away without knowing that you're going to be allright.

ROSE: It's not up you to save me, Jack.

JACK: You're right. Only you can do that.

I couldn't, save myself however. I never made any promises. I was so focused on him, I never paid myself any attention. I kept slipping. I couldn’t quit. Drugs were masking the invisible pain I was still feeling. Even in the face of my destiny,. Being so focused on him, being so head over heels in love with him... I ignored what I needed.

When you wake up from an addiction its like your life flashes before your eyes. All the memories of where my addiction destroyed my life came forth with such viscous force that I could not keep the contents in my stomach most days. Yet I could not quit. Everyone sat and watched me helplessly, but jack kept me safe while I processed.

As I tried to come out of my addictions. I tried to keep focused on my beautiful Jack. I needed to see the light. He was such an insane light for me.. he was my salvation. I felt so much pain over my past that I needed to believe that Jack was my future and my light. We would drive around the county for hours sharing our dreams for the future. We wanted the same things and we planned for them together. I felt feeling stir in me that I had honestly thought I had never felt before.

I was falling in love. I was Flying.

Rose: Hello Jack. I changed my mind. They said you might be out here.

Jack: Shhh. Gimme your hand. Now close your eyes, go on. Now step up. Now hold on to the railing. Keep your eyes closed, don't peek.

Rose: I'm not.

Jack: Step up on the railing. Hold on, hold on. Keep your eyes closed. Do you trust me?

Rose: I trust you. [Jack opens Rose's arms]

Jack: All right. Open your eyes.

Rose: [gasp] I'm flying, Jack! [Jack starts singing]

We must land however after a great flight. And as with the unsinkable ship, nothing can be promised in this life. I was so certain that me and Jack were pre ordained by some mystical energy that I never noticed as he got cleaner and clearer he was also living his own memories. Memories of how much he loved his Ex and missed his own family and life he left behind for drugs.

He came out of his addictions. I could not.

The day Jack died for me, was probably one the hardest days of my emotional life. At Wal-Mart with my dog, after 48 hours of the high stress of a missing boyfriend, I experienced such an intense feeling. A feeling until then I don't think I fully understood. Jealousy.

As my car passed this nice black 300, in the parking lot, I caught a glimpse at the sexy driver. It is all so slow motion in my mind today. The car coasts by as if floating, slowly the gorgeous boys incredible smile freezes in place, and an understanding so deep gurgled within me. The driver was my Jack and next to him….smiling a huge warm smile, looking like the happiest girl in the world….. was his beautiful ex girlfriend.

Stunned. Electric jolts shooting through my brain desperately seeking the answers in my memories. Overwhelmed, a rage so strong overtook me and I felt my car take on its own life as I ripped out of the parking lot. I drove recklessly down a few parking lots to where there were no other cars. I stepped on the gas blind with rage and headed straight for that pole....

I was done! I wanted out. My life was a lie.

Rose: I love you, Jack.

Jack: Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes.

Rose: I'm so cold.

Jack: Listen, Rose. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and make lots of babies, and you're gonna watch them grow. You're gonna die an old... an old lady warm in her bed, but not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me?

Rose: I can't feel my body.

Jack: Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me... it brought me to you. And I'm thankful for that, Rose. I'm thankful. You must do me this honor, Rose. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise

Rose: I promise.

Jack: Never let go.

Rose: I'll never let go. I'll never let go, Jack.

I slammed on the brakes with two feet to spare. My car spared. My dog spared. And my life spared.

Today I am clean and I owe it all to Jack. For three months I obsessed over what I did wrong. Where Spirit messed up. He was my future right? I spent three months in tears of a broken heart. I was miserable and desolate, but then as if suddenly, I understood what spirit did for me.

I needed Jack to be that gorgeous in order to follow him. He showed me that I indeed did have an addiction that needed to be dealt with. That my emotions were out of control. If it was not for that beautiful man getting his own life back, I would not be getting my life back today. No more parties, no more drugs. My life has meaning again, I have my two youngest kids back. And I am more clean and clear then I have been in years. Because of him. He was an angel who saved my life and for that I am now thankful.

[letting go of Jack's hand] I'll never let go, Jack. I promise. [she kisses his hand and watches him sink, almost falling apart before she finally climbs back into the water to call the lifeboat back]

He is dead to me now, as is my life of addiction. My Titanic was a great trip, but it is over now and its time for me to live.

Lewis Bodine: We never found anything on Jack... there's no record of him at all.

Old Rose: No, there wouldn't be, would there? And I've never spoken of him until now... Not to anyone... Not even your grandfather... A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. But now you know there was a man named Jack Dawson and that he saved me... in every way that a person can be saved. I don't even have a picture of him. He exists now... only in my memory

Addictions Poem...

Then a hermit, who visited the city once a year, came forth and said, "Speak to us of Pleasure."

And the prophet answered, saying:

Pleasure is a freedom song,

But it is not freedom.

It is the blossoming of your desires,

But it is not their fruit.

It is a depth calling unto a height, But it is not the deep nor the high.

It is the caged taking wing, But it is not space encompassed.

Ay, in very truth, pleasure is a freedom-song.

And I fain would have you sing it with fullness of heart;

yet I would not have you lose your hearts in the singing.

Some of your youth seek pleasure as if it were all, and they are judged and rebuked.

I would not judge nor rebuke them. I would have them seek.

For they shall find pleasure, but not her alone:

Seven are her sisters, and the least of them is more beautiful than pleasure.

Have you not heard of the man who was digging in the earth for roots and found a treasure?

And some of your elders remember pleasures with regret like wrongs committed in drunkenness.

But regret is the beclouding of the mind and not its chastisement.

They should remember their pleasures with gratitude, as they would the harvest of a summer.

Yet if it comforts them to regret, let them be comforted.

And there are among you those who are neither young to seek nor old to remember;

And in their fear of seeking and remembering they shun all pleasures, lest they neglect the spirit or offend against it.

But even in their foregoing is their pleasure.

And thus they too find a treasure though they dig for roots with quivering hands.

But tell me, who is he that can offend the spirit?

Shall the nightingale offend the stillness of the night, or the firefly the stars?

And shall your flame or your smoke burden the wind?

Think of you the spirit is a still pool which you can trouble with a staff?

Oftentimes in denying yourself pleasure you do but store the desire in the recesses of your being.

Who knows but that which seems omitted today, waits for tomorrow?

Even your body knows its heritage and its rightful need and will not be deceived.

And your body is the harp of your soul,

And it is yours to bring forth sweet music from it or confused sounds.

And now you ask in your heart, "How shall we distinguish that which is good in pleasure from that which is not good?"

Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower,

But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee.

For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life,

And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love,

And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.

People of Orphalese, be in your pleasures like the flowers and the bees

Friday, February 4, 2011

Addicted to your personality?

I ask myself what is an addictive personality?

I heard this all the time when I was growing up. It would always leave me wondering what they meant. What does that mean to you? I can look around me and I can recognize addictive like people, but what is an addictive personality?

Is it that the personality gets addicted to different things at the same time? Do you figure it makes the difference between someone that just gets hooked on one drug and once he quits those days are over for him. With no trouble to quit? The addictive person would just stay addicted unable to quit?

When people would say to me, ...'ah Brandy you have an addictive personality, I am not gonna let you try that drug'. I would always just stand dumbfounded. What did that mean? I was already hooked on whatever drug I was on presently. So why would this drug be any different? What would make them comment on my addictive personality? I would let the comment just slip past me, confused.

I am now hearing that saying all the time now in NA and again I wonder the same thing. This time however I am doing alot of reading. Studying the 12 step program and understanding what the disease of addiction is. So now the question goes deeper and has a few avenues of exploration.

I found myself angry when I began trying to quit weed. When I would tell people I was quitting weed they would share their stories of ease when they quit. So many of my friends decided one day that they had enough of smoking up. Several of them walked away from it and never looked back. How did they do it? Were they not smoking everyday like me? Did they not get labelled chronic as I had? So one would say while they were hooked, they had an addictive personality right? How could you tell if they didn't?

I don't think you can. When I always wanted to try cocaine when I was a teenager, my boyfriends would block me. Saying I had an addictive personality. It made me question what coke had that all the drugs I was on didn't. As I attend NA meetings now I am told not to tell people its weed I am hooked on. Again I find myself wondering then whats the difference between that and coke? Meth a dirty drug I loved, but never 'hooked' me. Is meth not worse then crack/cocaine?

Is it the drug then or the personality? Is crack/coke the only thing you can become addicted to so therefor those users may not have an addictive personality. Its just the drug? Is that why I have been shielded from that drug all my life? I can accept then that there are two types of addicts.

Those that get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. those are the ones that clean up easily when they work the 12 step program. That would be addict type one.

Addict type two then would be the one that will just transfer that addiction. Moving to whatever it can use to kill the host... food. drugs. sex. alcohol. Would this then be considered an addictive personality?

How the fuck would my little boy toys at the ripe ages of 15 then realize my personality was an addictive one? How was I blind to it? What did they see in me that I didnt? How can one recognize that type of personality?

Tonight while watching a movie with my kids... 8 and 10, I observe something that makes my skin crawl. My kids just got their allowance tonight and had spent the bulk of it in Safeway while I was getting supper. I took notice to the fact that my son had bought 2 rolls of gum as oppose to one. I thought, he's a hoarder and always buys on bulk. It made me smile and think of my mom as she is the same sun sign as him, Taurus. She is the worst pack rat. Later that hour while we were watching the movie I noticed something else. This made me angry.

He had ate a whole pack of gum and had the hugest wad in his mouth. Barely able to chew and obviously not enjoying what he had stuffed in there. I reprimanded him on eating it all. I asked why he would eat the whole pack. He just shrugged his shoulders and said 'i dunno'.

At that moment my daughter who is too smart for her own good piped up...' mom is j eating that gum like you eat a whole chocolate cake and cant stop at one piece? Does that mean j will be a drug addict too?'

My skin went cold. Thats how I explained to my kids what it was like to be a drug addict, or to have an addictive personality. I told them I cant stop at one piece like most people can. And looking at my son I feared instantly the same thing.

Can that be true? Can someone have an addictive personality already embedded into them from birth? Or is an addictive personality born out of a trauma? Does the ladder mean my son is stuffing his feelings already? Or is it the addict gene in him, that would have been passed on by me?

The questions have been spiralling in my mind all evening. Am I turning my son into an addict? Can I stop it now? If so, what do I do because I dont wish this personality on anyone. Least of all one of my children. What can i do to help him now before its to late and he is living on hastings street?

Manage my own type two disease of Addiction, I guess.