MAKE YOUR CHOICE NEVER LOOK BACK

MAKE YOUR CHOICE NEVER LOOK BACK - November 2cd, 2009

During my morning run (I like to still say run even though after three months of not running I can barely keep a light jog pace for longer then 2 minutes, but it makes me feel better to say run) this morning, I gave some thought to my original purpose behind all of these changes. Some changes were out of my control, but some of the changes were my conscious choice. Some of my choices, created some of the unwanted changes, but in the end most of my situation has been created from the choices I made.

So why is it that we spend months, even years sometimes working up enough courage to make a change. And then once that change is in motion, and we start to feel the effects of that change, we panic and revert back to what we had before the change was made? When we are contemplating the change, the unknown is what draws us to make the change, and the fact we are obviously not satisfied with the way things are at the time. But once the change is made, the fear of the unknown becomes so paralyzing that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves and run back to what was comfortable. We conveniently forget what it was that made us unhappy enough to make the change in the first place.

While I was at my ex's yesterday, I was helping my kids with homework, cooking dinner, cleaning house and laughing and having fun with my babies. It felt so easy, so perfect. I started longing for what was. My old life. The support that lives there. The love from my kids that lives there. And the nourishment that lives there. How many people would it make happy, if I just threw my hands up in the air and said... 'hey, you know what, I made a mistake and I am going back'. My kids would be relieved for sure, my family would all smile knowing that the charming man was back in the family, and all of our friends would be much more comfortable knowing that fairytale love does still exist. Not to mention the courage it took me to admit my mistake and swallow my pride. A very noble idea to run back, hey?

It seems so easy.

Yet a small part of me dies on the inside when I think of returning to what was.

I am not in love with my ex. There is no romance there, no spark. We have nothing in common, other then three children. Yes he is an amazing man but he does not invoke any sort of passion with in me. You ever watch a movie where the girl should marry the wealthy, stable, good, dependable boy? But she longs so desperately for that poor farm boy who's eye's sparkle and when they are together they create magic so strong that it binds them to one another for eternity.... It's always the farm boy we cheer for in the movies, yet in real life we are much more comfortable when someone chooses the stable good man. Why is that? Are we so stability driven that we are willing to push our passions as far away from us as possible? I am tired of conforming to a marriage that no longer serves my personal growth and passions in life. I am sorry if that makes people feel uncomfortable, hell it makes me feel uncomfortable!

I am not saying I want to find my dream lover. What I am saying is that I want to be true to myself. I don't know what I am looking for right now. I have no big plans or goals, no hidden blueprints to take over the world. I know that I gave a lot of thought to leaving my marriage, and I spent years invested in making it the best marriage I could. But in the end my heart was saying it was time to move on. I trusted it, and I jumped both feet into what lies before me now. The entire world!! I made my choice and now it's time to stop looking back, and to move forward into my unknown future. To embrace the path my heart put me on, and trust that all will be perfect.

HALLOWEEN

HALLOWEEN - October 31st, 2009

I just picked my middle child up from her friends house after an evening of trick or treating with a group of friends. As I listened to her excited tales of the best haunted house and the biggest candy she got, I was reminded of all the things I love about this time of year.

Halloween is by far my favourite time of year. It's the most beautiful time of year, everything around you is red and orange(My favourite colors). Leaves crunch under your feet and the air is crisp and refreshing. Excitement is in the air because of all the celebrations occurring in and around this time of year, thanksgiving and Christmas. Getting caught up in the kids ideas and excitement over their well thought out costumes. Seeing the houses decorated so hauntingly and people parading around the streets, not afraid to stand out and be noticed. Halloween seems to be the only holiday not completely lost after childhood, if nothing else it gets more exciting as we get older. The costumes get more elaborate, the houses get decorated for a party!

For me however Halloween goes even deeper then that. In the olden days, way, way back. This was the time of year when crops are harvested, livestock are slaughtered and families came together to all pitch in. All in preparation for the long winter months ahead. Back then we honoured the natural rhythm of life, the ebb and flow of the seasons. In the spring we planted seeds, in the summer we tended those plants, in the fall we harvested our food and in the winter we rested and planned for our spring. We respected the land. What she gave to us we were grateful for and never took it for granted. We created rituals to show our gratefulness as well to honour and encourage continued blessings from our Lovely mother earth. Halloween (or called Samhain back then) was one of these celebrations. When we began to move into the cities this became lost on us, as we were able to buy our food and no longer needed to respect the seasons for our lively hood. We now have super markets to take care of us, and winter is nothing more then a dreaded season we must get through in order to get to summer again.

Oh, but for me, this one day, Samhain allows me to remember and to revel in the symbols of the past. The Cauldron is the symbol of endless food and drink. Used in the old days to ensure ones survival through the long winter months. The Jack-o-Lantern was created as a source of protection for a home, to scare away ghosts and goblins that would roam free at this time of the year. It is believed that the veil between the worlds is thinnest this night of the year, and at midnight on Samhian you can actually dine with your ancestors that have passed on. Skeletons are a representation of the dead and those gone before us. They remind us that we are all the same and will all return to the earth. Spider webs are a great symbol of how we are all connected. And how we weave our own lives. But my favourite symbol at Halloween is the mask. Masks were worn as a sign of transformation. We can become anything we want at Halloween. It's like new years resolutions objectified. Some people spend the entire year creating that persona they want to display just for that day. In those moments you are some one else. Ask me again in a few moments about my favourite Halloween persona I had. I want to take the topic deeper for a moment.

Samhain is considered the witches new year. Everything in the old days before the church, was based on the seasons. The year started with winter. Winter is time for us to contemplate and reflect on the past success's of our harvest season. And to plan our next years gardens. To figure out what we needed for the coming year and how to make it all happen. Symbolically we can use that today. Winter is the time of year for us to go within and reflect on where we are at in life. To see if this is where we want to be. To Empty out the old to allow room for the new. To take a look at what we want to create for ourselves the coming year. Spring was the time of year to put those plans that we worked on over winter into play. To work the soils and plant the seeds. Spring in our own lives is to put into action the desires we created over the long cold winter months.. And to be honest living in the northern country we should all have well thought out desires! Summer was time to work tirelessly on our crops to ensure our survival in the winter. It meant long days and hard work. For us today that is when the sun gives us the most energy to really work hard on those dreams you planted the seeds for a few months back. Coming into fall was where we reaped all the benefits of our hard work and it was the end. Death. Symbolically this is the time of the year to dump all the stuff not working in your life. Empty out and let die the stuff holding you back. Once that is done, the wheel begins all over again.

As I look at my life today, I am amazed at the perfect time of the year for all the doors to shut in all the area's of my life. You could say I was doing a major dumping in my life as we speak. And I am sure if you looked at your life, you could see where things have changed for you just recently as well. Maybe not as dramatic as mine, or maybe nothing the outside world would notice. Maybe something within you. But change is in the air. I stumbled coincidentally upon this story today and I could not stop crying while I was reading it and well after reading it. I wanted to share it with you.

The Descent of the Goddess

The Goddess is Maiden, Mother, and Crone

Her children surround her; she is never alone.

She lives in the moment, she knows no grief or uproar,

'till harvest rolls 'round and brings death to her door.

Then her bright colors fade and her glitter glows dim,

for her son lives no longer; she's mourning for him.

He's fallen upon her body of earth-

oh, how can it be deadly, which once gave him birth?

She buries him gently, and follows him down,

and she casts off in grief all her robes, jewels, and crown.

There is no need of finery where she now sets foot,

down in the darkness of loam and root.

Her heart is bound tightly, no peace stills her mind.

She is cold and bereft: she is angry and blind.

She stumbles and staggers, ever weaker she grows,

but then hears a voice she is certain she knows!

"My mother, my Lady, why have you come here?"

Tis the voice of her lover, Her son, in her ear.

"Why have you left me?" She cries out in grief.

"Why must I bear you to be my joys thief?"

He has come here before, but she does not recall,

and he touches her hand, to explain again, all:

"It's age and fate, there's naught I can do,

save promise by rebirth I shall join you.

You are every my Lady, my Mother, my Dear

and I swear that in death there is nothing to fear"

Now she remembers: the graves but a womb

And a promise of rebirth brings light to the gloom.

There's peace and reunion to follow each death,

as a moment of stillness will follow each breath.

And the goddess emerges each time she withdraws,

And the wheel turns to freedom, and rolls without pause.

I sit here now again in tears. For I too had everything once. I longed for nothing. I had a great career that I put my blood sweat and tears into, an incredible family I loved and people admired, Children running at my feet and teenagers cranking their tunes. And then harvest rolled in and all was gone. Ripped away from me violently and suddenly. My glitter and sparkle gone. The fire in my eyes snuffed out. I feel like I am blind with pain most days and others I have begged for the cool soil to take me. I scream at my apartment as my joys thief. But alas I breath and as I read this I am given hope. Hope that all will be well again soon. Belief that I will emerge again, because this is life and on it will roll without pause. And in this glimmer of hope I am currently experiencing, I am yet again reminded of the most transforming Halloween I had during the early part of my weight loss phase.

I was 50 lbs lighter and I remember thinking, I could be anything I wanted to be. I was skinny enough to pull off any costume. This was the first time in my adult years that I had this much options on a costume! As I sat and contemplated what to go out as... only one thought kept popping into my mind. I always longed to dress like her. When I seen the movie, at an obese size I longed to have a body like hers. Cat woman! Hello? What is more sexier then the uber confident and cocky cat woman? Yup that's what I want to be for Halloween. That's the transformation I had been working on for months and this is exactly how I want to display her. I remember walking into the bar that night. Strutting and purring as cat woman would. I really did feel like her, powerful, confident and in complete control of who and what I gave my attention to. Guys eye's were on me all night and I loved every minute of it. I could feel my poweress over them and it was magical. I never want to be the fat dead bride again, or the house wife in a housecoat and hair rollers or sadly that silly clown costume. No I want to be something that liberates me and creates magic in my world.

What do you want to create this year? Sit and think of what needs to go and what you want to plant. I am not sure what I want to plant yet... But I will by the end of winter.

MY TEEN DAUGHTER, MY BEST FRIEND

MY TEEN DAUGHTER, ME BEST FRIEND - October 30th,2009

I had a lot to think about today. Just when you think it may be over, it's not. More tears fell today, which I was pretty sure, I should be fresh out of now. And I could feel another thing slipping away from me. I thought I had nothing left to be taken, but I was wrong. My Teenage Daughter. I am not sure I can handle any more loss in my life but today I faced more. The possible loss of my teen daughter to move back home. Move home!!.. back to a city 4 hours away from me. And strangely enough, this is the one that I think hurts the most, out of all the things removed from my life recently. This is the one that brings instant tears to my eye's.

You see me and my daughter have a unique relationship. Her friends envy her relationship with me. People compliment me on my relationship with my teenage daughter. She is not only my kid, she is someone that I have raised for the past 16 years, but she is also my closest friend. When she was a baby, I was only 17. I had lost most of my friends and found myself lonely with no one to talk t0. My baby was there, so I talked to her. My ex was working two jobs and still living the bar scene life, so T and I bonded. All through her growing up she was the one I would talk out things with and get her advice on. It was her and I. When my ex and I had the next two kids, it was T and I that both raised those kids. She's more of a sister to me. Now that I am entering my toughest challenges life has ever thrown at me, they want to take her from me as well!!

I am sick, physically ill over the thought of not having my teen here by my side. I would be lost without her now... and She wants to move home. She wants to leave me. She hates me.

She cries about how much she hates it here. How much she misses home where she has friends. She feels Edmonton is the enemy of everything that has gone wrong in her personal life. I feel devastated that I am the cause of all her pain. She is angry at me for leaving her. Feels I have abandoned her motherly wise and she has lost me as a friend as well. She has not been able to make friends at the school here, do you remember high school and how tough it was with friends. She dreads going to school and skips most days. My ex has to fight with her to get her to go, which compounds the anger she has. My heart breaks for her, she hates her life. And outside school she does nothing but baby-sit her brother and sister. I can see why she hates it. Would you not hate it? Would you not be afraid and angry. I know I would hate it, and I also know what I probably would have done by now, had I been her.

But when I get the texts from her this morning, I talk a good talk and beg her to come home. Ignoring how much she hates it, I begin making promises of a better future, bribing her with hopes. Hopes that I cannot promise her, when my future is so uncertain. I can't give her back what she wants and I know that, but I promise it anyways. And when that wasn't working, I pulled the 'I can't live without you' card and cried a lot. So much so that my middle daughter had to rub my back and whisper in my ear that it was going to be okay. It became about me, out of desperation to hold on to the last few things I have in my life. So T caved and came back. I was so relieved when she txted that she was on the bus coming home. Everything is going to be ok now, right?

I am not so sure, it doesn't feel like it was going to be alright. The more I have been thinking about it. The more the emptiness grows in the pit of my stomach. Fear and panic grow. I feel out of control of my feelings and my tears blur my vision. I think that I may be holding on to something that is meant to be let go of. My life has been a series of letting go, maybe this is a part of that letting go. I have taken everything she knows away from her, how can I keep punishing her by keeping her here? I am sure some of you feel, letting go of my marriage wasn't smart. Some people I am sure think I was crazy for letting go of my perfect management career. But look at what that poor girl is going through here. She is miserable, so unbelievably unhappy here. I see her unhappy eye's and know that this is not healthy either, even if she is where she belongs. And a small part of me drowns every time I am near her and feel her pain.

In a long discussion she has agreed to stick it out until the end of the term and then if she still hates it still, she could move home. This after much talking and convincing. She wants to go now, she is just compromising because she knows her dad will drown without her as well. But her leaving has it's draw backs for her as well. Loss of cell phone and a, your on your own kid, kind of move. She plans on living with friends, maybe she will call her grandma. My heart breaks a little at the thought of that. But now I wonder what to do? I keep her here with her family and yes she is fed and safe. But she is miserable and dying on the inside. Or I let her runaway home which is 4 hours away. On her own with know way of us knowing where she is. But where she will be happy amongst her friends?

I am sure every mother is thinking that I am crazy to even contemplate an idea of letting her go, but really look at it. She is 16, by law they can go at will now and she may just end up running away on bad terms, which would be worse. She has become toxic to her brother and sister already, she is not really watching them when she is suppose to be. I don't want to lose her to drugs because she is so miserable here, that she needs them to cope. But letting her go is teaching her to run away from her problems. OMG! I am so lost and devastated. Everything is much too overwhelming for me.

I love my daughter with everything I have and if she moves I will not only lose my daughter I will lose my best friend and I will lose my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. This has got to be the lowest I have ever been in my life. And it just keeps getting darker. How many shades of black can I experience?

LIFE IS A ROLLER COASTER

LIFE IS BUT A ROLLER COASTER - October 30th,2009

Life is a Roller coaster when you sit back and think about it. Rarely does your life follow a smooth track like the little train at an amusement park, although I could wish for nothing greater at this moment. No, unfortunately life is a series of twists, turns and sudden drops. The twist and turns can be fun sometimes, the loop de'loops can send an adrenaline rush through you that can be exciting and very enjoyable. But, It's the sudden unexpected deadly drops that hit you without warning, that really freak me out. Those drops that leave your stomach somewhere over in that farmers field.

That was yesterday. Drop of F%^&ing Doom!!

As I sat there, with tears that kept flooding me whether I wanted them to or not. I let panic and fear take me fully. I allowed them to seep through every cell in me and dictate my thoughts and actions. I embraced the fact that I was unemployed, and I allowed it to scare the hell out of me. I stewed in the nasty leftovers of my marriage. I faced the fact that my kids were going to have to deal with this change on there own and in their own ways. As much as I want to protect them from all the ugliness of the world, I realized yesterday that I simply cannot. I allowed the raw emotions of my negative self to burst forth from of me, with no control over their final destination. I was fully present in the moment with all the demons of my past, present, and future, and I was scrooged.

Ever wake up after a day of hell and think... what was that?! What makes a day like that so horribly different from other days in your life? I woke up today and was so relieved that I felt human again, all I can do is feel a huge sense of relief that I made it through that day alive. It was a very tough one. But now I sit and contemplate the lesson from that day. I feel a strong sense of urgency to learn what information that day held for me, lest I have to repeat the lesson again in a few days... Because to be honest, I am not sure I would survive another one of those drops of doom right now.

The silver lining in my dark dismal day is the awareness that I do still have a lot of great things in my life to cherish and respect. Friends! The overwhelming support from friends was a shock to me. Up until now, whenever I have struggled with something in my life. I would withdraw from the people closest to me and keep my weakness's to myself. Yesterday showed me how incredibly retarded that is on the emotional healing part of my journey. I cherish the friends I still have. I have been getting so caught up in what I have lost that I am not appreciating what has been left. I have been spending so much time beating myself up for hurting the people closest to me, yet it's those same people that picked me up yesterday and dusted me off. The things and people that are still present in my world are the ones that are good for me. The things that I can utilize to open up new doors for myself. If, and only if....I can learn to let go of the things that are trying to leave my life

All around me I see people holding on so dearly to things, people and events in their lives that have since moved away years ago. But they hold on, completely unaware that they are grasping at something that serves no purpose for them anymore. By holding on to the past it's like keeping a foot in that door of the past. Never being able to open up the door across the hall because if you take a step towards that door the one you are holding open will shut and lock forever. And you have no idea what’s in the door across the hall, so you get caught in the hallway.. or between the worlds. It is okay to sit there for a few moments to regroup and collect yourself. To revel in the wonderful things the last room had to offer you and to prepare yourself for the new room you are about to walk into. It is not healthy however to pull up a chair and sit there in the hall living life through some good books you found on the floor. Which is where I am trying to sit right now in my life... as are many of you.

Yesterday in my hallway there was a very cold draft that came in through the window at the end of the hall. With that draft came all my demons sweeping in from the dark, gliding down the walls to surround me, with warnings a many!! Faint or listen to the warnings, were my only options. I chose to listen, with very weak knee's and blurry vision.

I love the 17 years I spent with my husband. They were filled with joy and laughter and a sense of gamesmanship. But they are over and I must move on. Do I know what’s ahead of me in the romantic arena?... nope! Am I afraid I will live out my life alone with just my cat... yup! I adored my job with JC and all the growth and joy it brought me. Is my heart breaking cause it was ripped from me violently.... hell ya! Do I know what I am going to do next... nope. Am I afraid of going hungry.. yup! My daughter is the world to me. Will I be lost if she moves to GP...yup! Will she survive and learn and grow on her own accord... yes she will. Am I afraid for her... hell ya! But you know what? As I stood before those demons, I realized that they were not hurting me. They were big and ugly, scary and foul smelling, but they were making a path to the next door. They were asking me to feel the fear and do it anyways!!

If we let fear hold us back, we will forever be caught in that hallway. Just surviving, not actually living. Going through the motions of life, but not truly feeling the joys it has to offer. You may find comfort in those books, but it is just an illusion. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Held my chin up high, shook my shoulders to release the fears holding me to the door behind me and I took a shaky step towards the door on the other side of the hallway. One foot in front of the other is all I can focus on today. But with each step my confidence will grow and my fears will subside. In a few steps my hand will be on the door handle of my new life. The anticipation is mounting and excitement grows, possibilities are endless!

FLASHBACK 200LBS

FLASHBACK 200LBS - October 29th,2009

When I began my weight loss journey almost 3 years ago, I never imagined how completely and totally it would effect every area of my life. How shedding pounds of disgusting fat would show so immediately in how I live my life.

When I set out originally to lose 50 lbs I was just doing it for my clients. At the time I worked in a weight loss clinic as a personal weight loss consultant. Helping clients lose their weight once and for all through healthy life style changes. I felt in order to better guide them on their weight loss journey I had better follow my own advice and lose my extra pounds as well. Plus what better inspiration could I be to my clients then to lose weight right along side them.

But as a few pounds began to drop off I began getting more then just the inspiration I thought I was giving to my clients. I was beginning my own personal journey into my own self discovery. I was completely unaware that I was about to embark on a journey that ultimately would change who I was not only on the outside but on the inside as well. My entire life was about to get an overhaul and the people around me were going to experience this change for good or ill.

Let me explain.....

To understand Fat is to understand your relationship with food. Food can become an addiction easier then smoking or alcohol can. Food is readily available to you, you need food to survive. It's not like you can quit food, and why would you want to. When on every channel you watch is mouth watering tasty morsels of food. Not to mention that as children we are taught by watching our mothers and sisters and aunts turn to food anytime some thing was amiss in their lives. Food is used as comfort, for the bad times as well as the good times with celebrations like Christmas. Every one has a relationship with food whether it is a healthy one or not, whether you are over weight or not. Understanding this relationship is key to understanding yourself and how you deal with life. I was learning how I dealt with my life...and it was not healthy.

I was learning that I was someone who used food to hide my life, to hide what I disliked about my life. I was someone who was not happy with themselves, as I had so wonderfully convinced myself I was. As with any addiction I was hiding behind my fat. By being fat I didn't have to partake in life. I didn't have to go swimming with my kids, cause a bathing suit and me were not allowed to be paired together... hahaha Peared!! By being fat I didn't have to travel... have u tried to get over 200lbs into an airplane seat? And amusement parks nope, didn't have to worry I was way to fat for that ride. I was designated coat holder and I convinced myself that I was okay with this. I also convinced myself that I was happily married and letting oneself go was normal, acceptable even. Lets be honest though, there were other things I did get to do, like enjoy a great meal at the Keg with my husband, or go to the movies where I secretly was just going for the popcorn, and omg. hello? Thanksgiving!! I surrounded myself with people and situations that embraced my fat. When I started losing the fat I began losing the situations and people that supported the fat. And that's where my life began to change. With every pound lost another toxin was cleared from my life. Some was welcomed change and other changes were hard to chew. The fact I sit here with my life upside down is one that's hard to chew.

We spend so much time rationalizing our weight problems. Convincing ourselves that we will get skinny when we are ready. They have created books to help you love yourself as u are, fat and all. Society has made is acceptable to be fat. All these are nothing more then fat blockers to allow u to keep the status quo. It's easier right? And then there is the fear of what ifs? What’s if you do lose this weight? 'Look at Angie she left her husband after she lost all her weight, and look at

Cathy she is such a bitch now that she's skinny.' We all do it.

And this was all oblivious to me in the beginning. I really did just set out to be the best consultant possible and to teach and guide my clients as best as possible. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would change as dramatically as it has... and still is. I begin my story in the middle and I invite you to be a part of my future growth by understanding my past lessons. And maybe you can relate and make the changes necessary in your life to lead the life you were truly meant to live, and not hide behind the fat, smoke or alcohol any longer

FIRST APARTMENT AT 35!!

FIRST APARTMENT AT 35 - October 29th, 2009

I currently live in this ultra cute little attic bachelor-ette suite in a 1920's house.

It's a tall yellow house in an old part of town, where the tree's canopy the street, just outside of downtown E-Town. I am three stories up and have a great view of beautiful old houses all around me. I am 8 houses away from the football stadium to the south, Rexell place few blocks northeast and Northlands just east of me. You could say I live in the heart of the city.

Four apartments co-exists together in this house. A small bachelor in the basement, a large 2 bedroom on the main floor, a sweet one bedroom on the second floor just below me. And at the very top is me and my two room(kitchen and living room/bedroom) cozy apartment. In each apartment you will find a single female and her cat. I have not learned all their stories yet, but I have only seen women coming and going from the suites in the month that I have been here.

I feel liberated and honoured to live in such a place with so much character, history and a feeling of unity amongst it's residence.

To get to my apartment you travel up a cute winding staircase that just seems to go on forever, and ever, but when u get to the top, your view is wonderful.

………So why is it then, that I cry every time I get to the top of my stairs. Why do I find myself so lost, that I can just stand and stare at nothing for hours. When my legs get sore, I sit at my kitchen table my only furniture and stare for even more hours. I look around and everything feels so strange to me. So empty, void of all life, unloving and just plain cold. Not to mention I have no source of distraction, no TV, no Internet, nothing.

My home is like an enemy to me. I hate it. I am angry at it. It ripped me from my life. It is my new jail. But then feelings of anger turn into feelings of betrayal, because it is so cute and innocent. So inviting and warm. How can I be angry. So then how do I feel... lost. Lonely.

I leave in the morning and I come back and nothing has changed. There is nothing to clean up. There is no one to greet me at the door. It is quiet and peaceful. Nothing is misplaced. Everything is in perfect order. Too perfect. There is nothing for me to do but sit and be and eat. I made spaghetti with nacho cheese sauce. Turning to food to help me deal with life has risen it's ugly head again, I am embarrassed to say.

I have a blow up bed that I crawl into nightly and struggle mentally to get out of bed in the morning. I have a coffee maker that has become my best friend. As I sip my coffee on the east facing emergency escape out my back door I let the tears stream down my face.

I let all my grief wash over me. I allow the pain of not living with my children seep out through my eyes. I allow my grief of closing the door on 17 wonderful years of marriage come up like a tidal wave. I allow my heart to break over the loss of my career. I allow old family hurts to raise up and join in the moving of the emotional waters. I allow the loneliness and isolation to embrace me.

And I just sit in the morning sun and sip my coffee as my emotions release like a tidal wave over me. Wave after wave cleanse me. The birds sit in silence watching me. After what feels like hours, it's all over. So I get up and I start decorating.

How many times through the years have I longed for my own place? My own space? How many times did I wish that after I cleaned something it would just stay clean? And stay clean for more then a few seconds. How many times did I just beg for some peace and quiet? And not random moments of silence but the kind I could command at will. How many times did I long for my privacy? Space where I could do what I wanted without judgment from others. Having moved directly from my mother to my husband, how many times did I wonder what it would be like to live on my own? Did I ever imagine it to be like this?

No!

So why am I allowing it to become such a negative thing? I keep coming back to what others must think of me. I left my kids with my husband. That can't be good. what type of mother could do that? Wait, the fact I left my husband.. period. That's going to have some negative backlash from those close to us for sure. What about the fact I quit my beloved job. All these mistakes I have made.. mistakes that society frowns upon. mistakes...... ?

Enough of what I think, people may be thinking of me. I do not regret my decisions.

So I got a cat! Now I have something to clean!! And she is a damn messy cat! lol Now someone greets me when I get to the top of my stairs, full of purrs and love for me. And my kids come over frequently and love moms new place. And guess what? I encourage them to make a mess and invade my space. I got Internet and feel connected again and watch TV through justintv.com. I put up pictures and decorated in my witchy flighty own way. And now I crank the tunes on my karaoke machine(my only source of equipment to play music) and spin in circles and dance at my freedom!

In the mornings, I bounce out of bed. Laterally lol. I go for a run, I meditate and I try to do other things then eat. And everyday my apartment becomes more like home.

FROM THE BEGINING TO THE END

FROM THE BEGINNING TO THE END - October 29th, 2009

I sit here and wonder..... How did I get here?

Not the huge philosophical question of how we as humans evolved, although I do question that as well sometimes. What I am contemplating is how I got to this place in my life? Do you ever have moments where you look at your life and think... WTF?

Today I sit here and wonder.. WTF? I am unemployed, recently separated from my 17 year marriage and am without my children because they choose to stay with him instead. Everything happened so swiftly in the past couple of months that I sit here stunned. What happened? What went wrong? I feel like I just got hit by a bus and I am waking up today in the hospital with a loss of my worldly life.

Everything I know is gone. My source of income is gone. My support system is gone. My material possessions are gone. My lover is gone. My children are gone. My sense of purpose is gone. The reason I get up in the morning is gone. Who I was before the bus hit me is all gone. Everything I identified with is gone. And these realizations are so all encompassing that I find it hard to breath at moments.

Have you ever felt loss so great before? Almost like someone came into your room while you slept and opened up a valve in you and everything just poured out of you. Everything that meant anything to you, just slipped right out of that valve. Once you were empty the valve closed and you woke up to nothing. In a matter of hours everything you had been working on is gone. Everything you cherished and loved is gone from you.

That's where I sit today.

Everything is gone yet I am still here. I still have breath in my lungs and I am still alive.

So now what? I take a deep breath and wonder. Where do I go from here? Really if I pull myself out of my WTF's and look around me the sun is shining there are fresh flowers in front of me and I sit here listening to Pat Benetars, Love is a Battle Field. It's not like I am the only one in life that has experienced loss before. How do other people pick themselves up from this?

I can tell you what I am not going to do. I am not going to sit here and cry about how bad I have it. Sit here and point fingers and blame others for my situation. I am not going to beg the higher powers to bring me back my life. I am not going to bargain to be a better person to get my security back. I am not going to live in fear of the unknown and I am not going to allow this challenge to win me.

I am going to fight to create the perfect life for myself. And that creating comes from within. Taking what I have learned through my person battle with weight and utilizing that to create the perfect life and body to match. I have overcome 80lbs of fat, I am going to overcome this as well.

PRELUDE TO A LOVE STORY

He found himself traveling the world. He was on a genealogy quest, hunting the globe for long lost family members. Family being of the utmost importance to him, he desired to bring all his loved ones together. Fueled with an insatiable desire to drink in all the worlds cultures on his quest, his desires took him from Mexico, to Germany, to Spain; around the globe he trotted.


Living off the land, stumbling upon some amazing experiences and taking random jobs here and there, he experienced both sides of life. There were times where he went weeks without food and had only the rats to keep him company deep in the sewers of the richest country, but there were also times when he was so deep in the high life of a society that deemed him untouchable. This society allowed him the luxury of living in a mansion with his own servants and driving a Jag.



Through out all the countries and all the levels of wealth he never got caught up in situations that could possibly tie him down, therefor never allowed himself to get attached to material objects or people. However, one girl did catch his attention.


That was ten years ago now, and the door was shut tight. He found love and he choose to leave love. No drama, no regrets, no lessons to learn. It was fun while it was there and the memory is enough, but it was his memory and only his. He will never share that. That was ten years ago and there has been no one since. He liked it that way.


China, Indonesia and Saudi Arabia. Meeting amazing people and making life long friendships. These were the type of friends that got your back when you need them, the type of people that you want on your side when life throws you curve ball. He did create some enemies along the way as well, however, there is no where in this world that he is not welcomed. Contemplating this, he finds himself feeling very alone. Something is stirring with him.


The life of a nomad is what he chooses for himself. It suits him. He can go where he wants, when he wants with no one to answer to. Nothing holding him back, nothing confining him. He is a strange character, not willing to share himself with anyone. He keeps everyone at arms length and is always watching over his back. Protection of ones’ self is his key concern in life, but suddenly as if out of no where he longs for something. Something deep within him is calling out and he cannot hear what it is, or maybe he is refusing to listen. Pushing it to the side he goes on with his search for family.


Over the ocean to the United States he travels, moving north he finds himself in the cold white tundra. Upon arriving in this country he found out quickly that it was a dead end for his family search. There was no more world to search, there were no more family members to find. Time to turn around and head home. Yet something is pulling at him. He suddenly finds himself tied to the earth in this specific town in this strange country. Rooted, unable to bring himself back to the plane he decides to trust his hunch and stick it out in this country for a bit.


As with every other country he found himself a job very quickly and began making friends. Those types of friends again that have your back, high and powerful friends. Life was good for him here. He liked it, yet something was missing. He found it gnawing at him increasingly as time went on. What was it that was pulling at him? Strange.


After a year of working, a year of enjoying the cold dark winter and meeting wonderful new people, he found himself questioning what he was doing here? What is he waiting for, was that root still deeply planted? He went with his hunch and stayed, but it has been over a year and he still feels strange. Nothing is happening though, life has become mundane and he has become restless. News of his fathers ailing health solidifies the decision to move on. It was time to stop searching and go home where his family needed him. He bought a one way ticket home, scheduled for December 21st, 2009.


Two months till Christmas and all his world travels will be behind him and he will go back to his roots and live out his life taking care of his father and younger brother.

****************

She was 15 years deep into her marriage when she realized she was miserable.


Her husband was a wonderful father to their three children, he was a good provider and her best friend. A perfect man some would say, and she was certain a few of her friends harbored secret crushes on him, which always made her smile. She lived a good, middle class life; a life she and her husband had worked very hard to build. Three beautiful well rounded kids, a welcoming home, decent vehicles and a beloved dog and parrot. Who would complain about that? She had the fairy-tale life. However, when her friends commented about how wonderful her relationship with her husband was, a small part of her died inside.



She worked long hours, helping people made her feel better. When she wasn't working she found herself at the bar lavishing in the attention from sexy men. It was not the excitement of this taboo behavior she craved, but going home to her drab, monotonous life kept her going back for the alternate attention. At work however, she found herself moving up the corporate ladder quickly. Moving up the ladder meant promotions and moves to other cities.


A move to a new city! This was it, this was her answer. To bring the passion and spice back to her relationship this move, the new city, will bring the thrill and spark back and help mend the tears in the marriage. With excitement she accepted the promotion, and suddenly her mind moved to all the wonderful things this meant. New fresh romance, passion, new things to experience together as a couple in a new city, maybe new things to share and more to gain in common! Yes, she thanked her lucky stars for this opportunity.


The promotion has some sacrifices, however. Six months in another city without her family. At first the thought was unbearable, away from her babies? As she chewed it, it became an opportunity. Being away from her kids meant many things. It gave her husband a chance to taste how hard she worked at home, it also gave her kids a chance to appreciate her. It also gave her a chance to get her act together, maybe being without them will show her how lucky she is. The marriage side of things would surely improve as well, absence makes the heart grow fonder! This is exactly what her marriage needed. A break. This is exactly what she needed. A break.


For six months she worked, ate and slept. She was back in her old home town and found herself visiting old friends and going out quite a bit. At first she found the freedom to be exciting and fun, but after a couple of weeks she wanted to go home. This was not fun, this was not what she wanted. Yes, here was her revelation, this was exactly what she needed to remind her of how much she loved her family. She spent the next five months fantasizing about all the great things her and her husband would do now, all the things they would have in common. The heights of passion they were about to embark on kept her going on those long lonely days.


Another transfer to a brand new city brought her back into her families arms. In a new city, back with some old friends who had also relocated there, great jobs. Perfection?


Once her children were settled into there new rooms that first night, she found herself in her husbands arms. The familiar feel of his biceps was very welcoming. As her husband went to kiss her however, a sensation of revolt so strong came across her, that the kiss ended abruptly. It felt like she had just French kissed her brother! What was going on? Ignoring it she went back to the kiss and endured it in silence. Later that evening, her husband began to catch on that something was not right between them. He desperately sought out her eyes for the answers, and she knew she had to face the facts.


Looking into her husbands concerned face she assured him everything would be okay. She knew it was a lie, but she did not know what else to say. It was at that moment she realized her marriage was over and there was nothing more she could do to save it. She decided she will wait till after Christmas to break the news.


Yet two months before Christmas, she has this uncontrollable urge to end it now. She cannot describe it or understand it, but she knows she cannot argue it. It is too strong. She tries to ignore it, but each day the need gets stronger. She needs out, she is going to suffocate. She begins to panic, she needs out! Upon getting off work one day she finds herself on auto pilot. Driving home she knows what she is about to do, and there is nothing that can be done to stop it at this point. In the house she walks, straight to her husband. Standing before him, completely void of emotion she asks for a divorce.


Two months before Christmas she finds herself single and alone. Completely unsure of why all the urgency......