Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Jack and My Sinking Titanic.....

‘It's been 84 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint. The china had never been used. The sheets had never been slept in. Titanic was called the Ship of Dreams, and it was. It really was.’

I believe everyone has a Titanic in their life. An experience, situation, or a person, that is meant to sink to the bottom of the ocean once it is over. An overly intense event that alters ones life forever. I did. I write as Rose from the Titanic in my own epic tale of a life of sex and drugs, and the boy who saved me.

‘I saw my whole life as if I had already lived it. An endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared... or even noticed.’

My life had become an endless string of parties, drugs and random guys when I stepped onto my own Titanic. I knew my life was going in the wrong direction and I couldn’t seem to stop it. My friends tried to show me how to get out of the hole I had dug for myself, to no avail. I felt I could trust no one. My addictions kept my mind so narrowly focused that all I could do was put one foot in front of the other. Keeping my eyes closed tightly to the demons surrounding me.

I turned to my higher power and begged to be carried to nicer surroundings. I begged for foot prints in the sand, I begged for death. I just wanted to be free of my own demons. I cried so much that my eyes were always bloodshot and my heart full of salt.

Soon I found myself cocooned in my mothers living room, performing a ritual to bring me back to health and happiness. A reprieve from the parties, drugs and sex. I asked Spirit to focus me and lead me out of my mess and to let me walk on my true path of destiny. My spirit of choice had 4 symbols known to her. During this ritual I had three with me, it was the fourth I needed to acquire, so I asked to be delivered the fourth symbol and then I would be ready to walk the tunnel to my own salvation.

With the attention span of a two year old, how quickly my addictions claimed me back. Before long I found myself in a car with my closest friend driving out to both of our futures. How anyone can find their future in Buttcrack no where town is beyond me, but we found ours there. Today I learned her future had left her beaten and broken on the side of the highway 1000 miles from home. My future however was in the form of the most beautiful boy I had ever had the pleasure of letting my eyes rest on.

He was dressed in sweats and a Grey hoody. Hood up, hidden behind a layer of grease from working on the truck we had to walk around in the front yard. When my eyes connected with his, I could see the brightest light smouldering behind the exploring look he was giving me. It was instant for me. This guy was my future.

The most incredible smile creeped across his lips as he explained he was going to go shower and would be right back. While he walked away he removed his sweater to reveal his back. On the top center of his back was a sacred tattoo. The Ankh, an Egyptian cross with a loop on the top of it. It was the symbol I Was waiting for. I stood absolutely stunned, staring at the last symbol of my Spirit. I expected to find it as a little pendant on a chain. I was shocked to see it on a man! Astounded I now understood why I felt an instant connection with him.

Yes this was my Jack. I will follow him anywhere. He is my salvation. He is the last piece of my puzzle.

From that moment on I was completely focused on my Jack. I drove to him every chance I got. He was not in a very pretty place in his own life. Beaten down by his own addictions and seeing no light at the end of his own tunnel, we were a sorry match. Misfits of a system gone bad. Learning how to run under the law and bending our realities with minds full of sex and drugs. He wanted out. I could offer him that.

(Mary Brown) You shine up like a new penny

I brought him to my new apartment. He cleaned up. Like a new penny he was intensely beautiful. As he got cleaner he smiled more, he laughed more, we had fun. He quickly became part of my circle of friends. We all loved him equally, I think because we all recognized the strength he was displaying over the mastering of his addictions. He held true to his promises. He got a job and pitched in around the house. He held up his end of the bargain.

JACK: No wait. Let me try to get this out. You're amazing....and I know I have nothing to offer you, Rose. I know that. But I'm involved now. You jump, I jump, remember? I can't turn away without knowing that you're going to be allright.

ROSE: It's not up you to save me, Jack.

JACK: You're right. Only you can do that.

I couldn't, save myself however. I never made any promises. I was so focused on him, I never paid myself any attention. I kept slipping. I couldn’t quit. Drugs were masking the invisible pain I was still feeling. Even in the face of my destiny,. Being so focused on him, being so head over heels in love with him... I ignored what I needed.

When you wake up from an addiction its like your life flashes before your eyes. All the memories of where my addiction destroyed my life came forth with such viscous force that I could not keep the contents in my stomach most days. Yet I could not quit. Everyone sat and watched me helplessly, but jack kept me safe while I processed.

As I tried to come out of my addictions. I tried to keep focused on my beautiful Jack. I needed to see the light. He was such an insane light for me.. he was my salvation. I felt so much pain over my past that I needed to believe that Jack was my future and my light. We would drive around the county for hours sharing our dreams for the future. We wanted the same things and we planned for them together. I felt feeling stir in me that I had honestly thought I had never felt before.

I was falling in love. I was Flying.

Rose: Hello Jack. I changed my mind. They said you might be out here.

Jack: Shhh. Gimme your hand. Now close your eyes, go on. Now step up. Now hold on to the railing. Keep your eyes closed, don't peek.

Rose: I'm not.

Jack: Step up on the railing. Hold on, hold on. Keep your eyes closed. Do you trust me?

Rose: I trust you. [Jack opens Rose's arms]

Jack: All right. Open your eyes.

Rose: [gasp] I'm flying, Jack! [Jack starts singing]

We must land however after a great flight. And as with the unsinkable ship, nothing can be promised in this life. I was so certain that me and Jack were pre ordained by some mystical energy that I never noticed as he got cleaner and clearer he was also living his own memories. Memories of how much he loved his Ex and missed his own family and life he left behind for drugs.

He came out of his addictions. I could not.

The day Jack died for me, was probably one the hardest days of my emotional life. At Wal-Mart with my dog, after 48 hours of the high stress of a missing boyfriend, I experienced such an intense feeling. A feeling until then I don't think I fully understood. Jealousy.

As my car passed this nice black 300, in the parking lot, I caught a glimpse at the sexy driver. It is all so slow motion in my mind today. The car coasts by as if floating, slowly the gorgeous boys incredible smile freezes in place, and an understanding so deep gurgled within me. The driver was my Jack and next to him….smiling a huge warm smile, looking like the happiest girl in the world….. was his beautiful ex girlfriend.

Stunned. Electric jolts shooting through my brain desperately seeking the answers in my memories. Overwhelmed, a rage so strong overtook me and I felt my car take on its own life as I ripped out of the parking lot. I drove recklessly down a few parking lots to where there were no other cars. I stepped on the gas blind with rage and headed straight for that pole....

I was done! I wanted out. My life was a lie.

Rose: I love you, Jack.

Jack: Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes.

Rose: I'm so cold.

Jack: Listen, Rose. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and make lots of babies, and you're gonna watch them grow. You're gonna die an old... an old lady warm in her bed, but not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me?

Rose: I can't feel my body.

Jack: Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me... it brought me to you. And I'm thankful for that, Rose. I'm thankful. You must do me this honor, Rose. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise

Rose: I promise.

Jack: Never let go.

Rose: I'll never let go. I'll never let go, Jack.

I slammed on the brakes with two feet to spare. My car spared. My dog spared. And my life spared.

Today I am clean and I owe it all to Jack. For three months I obsessed over what I did wrong. Where Spirit messed up. He was my future right? I spent three months in tears of a broken heart. I was miserable and desolate, but then as if suddenly, I understood what spirit did for me.

I needed Jack to be that gorgeous in order to follow him. He showed me that I indeed did have an addiction that needed to be dealt with. That my emotions were out of control. If it was not for that beautiful man getting his own life back, I would not be getting my life back today. No more parties, no more drugs. My life has meaning again, I have my two youngest kids back. And I am more clean and clear then I have been in years. Because of him. He was an angel who saved my life and for that I am now thankful.

[letting go of Jack's hand] I'll never let go, Jack. I promise. [she kisses his hand and watches him sink, almost falling apart before she finally climbs back into the water to call the lifeboat back]

He is dead to me now, as is my life of addiction. My Titanic was a great trip, but it is over now and its time for me to live.

Lewis Bodine: We never found anything on Jack... there's no record of him at all.

Old Rose: No, there wouldn't be, would there? And I've never spoken of him until now... Not to anyone... Not even your grandfather... A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. But now you know there was a man named Jack Dawson and that he saved me... in every way that a person can be saved. I don't even have a picture of him. He exists now... only in my memory

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