LIFE IS BUT A ROLLER COASTER - October 30th,2009
Life is a Roller coaster when you sit back and think about it. Rarely does your life follow a smooth track like the little train at an amusement park, although I could wish for nothing greater at this moment. No, unfortunately life is a series of twists, turns and sudden drops. The twist and turns can be fun sometimes, the loop de'loops can send an adrenaline rush through you that can be exciting and very enjoyable. But, It's the sudden unexpected deadly drops that hit you without warning, that really freak me out. Those drops that leave your stomach somewhere over in that farmers field.
That was yesterday. Drop of F%^&ing Doom!!
As I sat there, with tears that kept flooding me whether I wanted them to or not. I let panic and fear take me fully. I allowed them to seep through every cell in me and dictate my thoughts and actions. I embraced the fact that I was unemployed, and I allowed it to scare the hell out of me. I stewed in the nasty leftovers of my marriage. I faced the fact that my kids were going to have to deal with this change on there own and in their own ways. As much as I want to protect them from all the ugliness of the world, I realized yesterday that I simply cannot. I allowed the raw emotions of my negative self to burst forth from of me, with no control over their final destination. I was fully present in the moment with all the demons of my past, present, and future, and I was scrooged.
Ever wake up after a day of hell and think... what was that?! What makes a day like that so horribly different from other days in your life? I woke up today and was so relieved that I felt human again, all I can do is feel a huge sense of relief that I made it through that day alive. It was a very tough one. But now I sit and contemplate the lesson from that day. I feel a strong sense of urgency to learn what information that day held for me, lest I have to repeat the lesson again in a few days... Because to be honest, I am not sure I would survive another one of those drops of doom right now.
The silver lining in my dark dismal day is the awareness that I do still have a lot of great things in my life to cherish and respect. Friends! The overwhelming support from friends was a shock to me. Up until now, whenever I have struggled with something in my life. I would withdraw from the people closest to me and keep my weakness's to myself. Yesterday showed me how incredibly retarded that is on the emotional healing part of my journey. I cherish the friends I still have. I have been getting so caught up in what I have lost that I am not appreciating what has been left. I have been spending so much time beating myself up for hurting the people closest to me, yet it's those same people that picked me up yesterday and dusted me off. The things and people that are still present in my world are the ones that are good for me. The things that I can utilize to open up new doors for myself. If, and only if....I can learn to let go of the things that are trying to leave my life
All around me I see people holding on so dearly to things, people and events in their lives that have since moved away years ago. But they hold on, completely unaware that they are grasping at something that serves no purpose for them anymore. By holding on to the past it's like keeping a foot in that door of the past. Never being able to open up the door across the hall because if you take a step towards that door the one you are holding open will shut and lock forever. And you have no idea what’s in the door across the hall, so you get caught in the hallway.. or between the worlds. It is okay to sit there for a few moments to regroup and collect yourself. To revel in the wonderful things the last room had to offer you and to prepare yourself for the new room you are about to walk into. It is not healthy however to pull up a chair and sit there in the hall living life through some good books you found on the floor. Which is where I am trying to sit right now in my life... as are many of you.
Yesterday in my hallway there was a very cold draft that came in through the window at the end of the hall. With that draft came all my demons sweeping in from the dark, gliding down the walls to surround me, with warnings a many!! Faint or listen to the warnings, were my only options. I chose to listen, with very weak knee's and blurry vision.
I love the 17 years I spent with my husband. They were filled with joy and laughter and a sense of gamesmanship. But they are over and I must move on. Do I know what’s ahead of me in the romantic arena?... nope! Am I afraid I will live out my life alone with just my cat... yup! I adored my job with JC and all the growth and joy it brought me. Is my heart breaking cause it was ripped from me violently.... hell ya! Do I know what I am going to do next... nope. Am I afraid of going hungry.. yup! My daughter is the world to me. Will I be lost if she moves to GP...yup! Will she survive and learn and grow on her own accord... yes she will. Am I afraid for her... hell ya! But you know what? As I stood before those demons, I realized that they were not hurting me. They were big and ugly, scary and foul smelling, but they were making a path to the next door. They were asking me to feel the fear and do it anyways!!
If we let fear hold us back, we will forever be caught in that hallway. Just surviving, not actually living. Going through the motions of life, but not truly feeling the joys it has to offer. You may find comfort in those books, but it is just an illusion. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Held my chin up high, shook my shoulders to release the fears holding me to the door behind me and I took a shaky step towards the door on the other side of the hallway. One foot in front of the other is all I can focus on today. But with each step my confidence will grow and my fears will subside. In a few steps my hand will be on the door handle of my new life. The anticipation is mounting and excitement grows, possibilities are endless!