FROM THE BEGINING TO THE END

FROM THE BEGINNING TO THE END - October 29th, 2009

I sit here and wonder..... How did I get here?

Not the huge philosophical question of how we as humans evolved, although I do question that as well sometimes. What I am contemplating is how I got to this place in my life? Do you ever have moments where you look at your life and think... WTF?

Today I sit here and wonder.. WTF? I am unemployed, recently separated from my 17 year marriage and am without my children because they choose to stay with him instead. Everything happened so swiftly in the past couple of months that I sit here stunned. What happened? What went wrong? I feel like I just got hit by a bus and I am waking up today in the hospital with a loss of my worldly life.

Everything I know is gone. My source of income is gone. My support system is gone. My material possessions are gone. My lover is gone. My children are gone. My sense of purpose is gone. The reason I get up in the morning is gone. Who I was before the bus hit me is all gone. Everything I identified with is gone. And these realizations are so all encompassing that I find it hard to breath at moments.

Have you ever felt loss so great before? Almost like someone came into your room while you slept and opened up a valve in you and everything just poured out of you. Everything that meant anything to you, just slipped right out of that valve. Once you were empty the valve closed and you woke up to nothing. In a matter of hours everything you had been working on is gone. Everything you cherished and loved is gone from you.

That's where I sit today.

Everything is gone yet I am still here. I still have breath in my lungs and I am still alive.

So now what? I take a deep breath and wonder. Where do I go from here? Really if I pull myself out of my WTF's and look around me the sun is shining there are fresh flowers in front of me and I sit here listening to Pat Benetars, Love is a Battle Field. It's not like I am the only one in life that has experienced loss before. How do other people pick themselves up from this?

I can tell you what I am not going to do. I am not going to sit here and cry about how bad I have it. Sit here and point fingers and blame others for my situation. I am not going to beg the higher powers to bring me back my life. I am not going to bargain to be a better person to get my security back. I am not going to live in fear of the unknown and I am not going to allow this challenge to win me.

I am going to fight to create the perfect life for myself. And that creating comes from within. Taking what I have learned through my person battle with weight and utilizing that to create the perfect life and body to match. I have overcome 80lbs of fat, I am going to overcome this as well.