tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68577019918460914432024-03-19T04:10:50.030-06:00ButterflykissesA woman and her struggles with breaking away from the binds that hold her back.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger15125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-80727488375179471612011-03-06T08:06:00.005-07:002011-03-06T10:34:31.960-07:00GRATIFICATIONS LOVE TO HATE<div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>'...And most of all I will love myself. For when I do I will zealously inspect all things which enter my body, my mind, my soul, and my heart. Never will I overindulge the requests of my flesh, rather I will cherish my body with cleanliness and moderation.'</i></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Its 7am on a Sunday, my son does not have hockey practice, I question why I am in a alert state at this moment. The reason? Because my ribcage hurts from the 10 hours of sleep I just indulged in, this followed by 14 hours yesterday! Am I sick? Nope. Am I recovering from something? Nope. Am I depressed? Not really, trying to self induce it maybe. Analysis incomplete. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Annoyed at being up so early on my sleep in day I decide to treat myself to a Tim Hortons coffee. Coffee which I cut out of my diet two weeks ago cause of the midday crash it would induce. As I get to the little microphone at the drive thru I hear myself ordering 2 extra large triple triples. Who is this second coffee for? Hmmm... My mind figures I have no coffee at home and you know, ones not gonna be enough for you today. Well, go big or go home, I hear the little evil bitch in my ear giggle. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Lady Vixen, the addict in me is alive and well I acknowledge begrudgingly. This is when thoughts of the war with her lead me back to self love. What the hell is that really and why is it so hard for me to do this?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">The above is another saying from the 'Worlds Greatest Salesman' that I have been battling with my whole life. For many years I been on the search for the easy answer to self love. Instant gratification always getting the best of me on my journey. This society we have created does not make it easy to love ourselves. It breeds addiction and overindulgence at ever curve of the river.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">This is one of my personal struggles, bringing it back to me and to stop blaming society for all of my woes. I realize that our environment is what it is and its up to me to overcome and walk the path that has been carved out for me. I continually and painfully climb up the cliffs and banks to each side of my path always curious as to what else is out there. This is where the shiny objects and the neon signs on the other side of the ledge captivate my attention. Once I have climbed over to the other side my addict takes over and life becomes a game of how much can I overindulge. Sin city always welcomes my return and works very hard to keep my business.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Why is it that we overindulge in the first place? I find today I am desperately trying to go to extremes to sabotage my path. Drugs, promiscuity, food, sleep, negative thoughts.... and I am sure there are several more I could add to this list if I allowed my mind to go there. I dont want to however, because that will just give me more fuel to harm my body with. It all comes back to self love and filling that void.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">I know I am not the only one falling victim to self hate. Every second person in my city is over weight, and the other half is not moderating their drug and alcohol use. This understanding i find is one of those pieces of information I would be better off not having, because it makes me feel defeated before I even begin. If over half of my peers over indulge how am I ever going to stop, or why do I even have to? If there doing it and surviving why cant I?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Momma's voice pops into my head and asks if I am willing to jump off the bridge to because everyone else is? </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">As the years have gone by I have peeled layer after layer off in my self love vs. self hate battle and I find I am beginning to get to the core of it. I have read every book out there teaching me how to love myself but I find all of them are wanting to go so deep into your trauma's that they neglect the simple direct approach.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Stop physically killing yourself first.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Don't kid yourself over eating is killing yourself. Number one cause of death in the modern world is obesity. Every single person that is obese is so by choice. Sorry folks but your not special with a disease that cause fat to miraculously form on your body. You eat to many starches and thats what caused it. Too Simple. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">When you stop eating however that self hate has to have some outlet to express itself, so it finds another avenue. Drugs for some people are another hating option. Again junkie you do have an option, a huge and I mean very huge portion of our healthcare dollars go to making free programs to help you get off drugs. It's your choice to stay on the streets and stick the needle in your arm. I choose to stay high for three years recently, and to walk away from my dream job, my family and my security because I choose to hate myself.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Now that I am no longer overeating, or smoking dope, I find that I am oversleeping and indulging in all the requests of my flesh. Every time I indulge now however i am brutally aware of another way I am hating myself and I make a point to do something I love for myself. I am finding ways to live clean and to detoxify my body, soul and mind. I am practicing the moderation that I taught my weight loss clients for three years to honor. I am now taking physical and tangible steps to love myself. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">The serenity prayer tells me to focus on only whats in my control and overindulging is absolutely something I can work actively on. The self love cannot be forced, it is out of my control. I do understand how by actively working on showing Lady Vixen that she cannot lead me down the dead ends anymore that I will easily begin to follow my own path and begin to see the rewards of my own carved out road has to offer. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">The instant gratification of My vixen is keeping me in my self hate pool of pity, I am bored with this after 30 years of its indulgence. I embrace the challenge of staying on my own path of salvation and walking into my true destiny's loving embrace.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Just for today I will not overindulge in the requests of my flesh. (...After this second cup of coffee that is!!)</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-25025630917637677102011-03-04T10:14:00.008-07:002011-03-05T21:13:18.421-07:00AN IGNORANT FUTURE WITH NO PAST<div><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">'<b><span class="Apple-style-span">Today I will commence my journey unencumbered with either the weight of unnecessary knowledge or the handicap of meaningless experience'</span></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">I have sat with this saying for months rethinking what it really means. How can any knowledge be unnecessary? Is knowledge not power? Does that not mean the the more knowledge you have the more powerful you are? To 'know' is to have special powers over your opponent. To have the upper hand in a conversation is to have more knowledge then the other person. Right?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">I have always lived in the know. To know was my power. To know things was how I gained control over my surroundings. I always inspire to be like those book smart people that have an answer for everything. I also love the ability to manipulate the people around me because I 'know' how to proceed to get my way. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">My knowing ran deep when it comes to the way people act, why they act the way they do and how they will react to certain situations. So why would I ever want to proceed without that knowledge? How do you determine which knowledge is unnecessary?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">And Experience.. isn't the action of knowledge just this? The lessons we take away from our experiences are crucial to our futures are they not? How is one to leave experience behind, and why would you want to? To ignore your experiences and not learn from them would lead to a reliving of old patterns, would it not? </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Like I said earlier I have been chewing alot on this phrase from one of my thought re-patterning books, 'The Worlds Greatest Salesman'. Contemplating what that means as i begin my new life. A life where I want to stop the insanity and begin living in a new way. A way that I have never tried before.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Aha, and there in lies my answer. A way I have never tried before.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Bringing along experiences from the past are irrelevant when it comes to creating a new life. I got hung up for a few months on the idea that I needed my past experiences to show me what I Don't want to create within this life, but I now understand what that does. By focusing on what I dont want I am unable to focus on what I do want. So to pull the past into my future does one of two things...</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Focusing on my past experiences, keeps me totally stagnant, unable to move into my future for the spinning wheels are stuck in the mud of what I dont want. Thats where I have been for several months now, the second thing that happens is you keep repeating your past just in new ways. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">We are so smart and strong that when we bring the past into the future we will recreate it in a way that is so completely new that we may not even recognize it as repeating a pattern. This is when your friends begin to annoy you because they can see your cycle but you cannot relate because your mind is so focussed on a new life based on your old experiences. Thats a pretty shaky foundation dont you think?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">So letting go of old experiences that are completely meaningless in this new life is an absolute must if you are to begin and create something that is better then anything you had imagined for yourself in the past. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">What about knowledge however? I worked hard at training my brain with knowledge to get myself ahead in this age of information, I dont want to give that up. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Have you ever heard the term ignorance is bliss? Do you understand it? I didn't for a long time. I do now. Sometimes knowledge is not good for us. Sometimes knowing things that we weren't meant to know is better for us. Knowledge can and does hurt many people. A lot of unnecessary hurt comes from the abuse of knowledge. That weight can impede the trek of our new life.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Knowledge of past hurts hold us back. Insanity is defined by doing the same thing and expecting different results. Knowledge holds us here because we think that if we just learn more and outsmart the situation we will beat it. Most times this is not true when it comes to our life lessons. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Sometimes knowing something takes away from the intuition you feel. Living in your head while moving into your new life will keep you locked into your limited knowledge of what you future can be. Knowledge will also instill you with fear over what can be if you miss step something in your new life. thus preventing you from taking any steps forward or from taking steps into the unknown.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Thats really what it boils down to doesn't it? Knowledge will keep you from experiencing what is unknown, because you lack the book words as a guide through the darkness. Again as in experience keeping you stuck and spinning your wheels in the muck.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Today I begin a new life and I will not let the weight of unnecessary knowledge of how my life is suppose to look and the handicap of meaningless experience hold me back from creating something beyond my wildest imaginings. I will no longer recreate my patterns and for the first time in my life I will walk into my future unaware of what the universe has to teach me.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">I will no longer pre study and be the keener in the front row thinking she has all the answers. I will be the kid that runs in with just a pen and paper and asks alot of questions. I will be the kid that volunteers the answers when I know I am wrong and let humility teach me what is right, I will be the first to help the teacher demonstrate the solution and I will stay late to understand on a deeper level what the lesson was about. Then I will rush out of that class and forget it all by the next class!!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span">I will act in my new life as appose to read and experience as a spectator.... I will become the actor!</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-14000228466264321312011-02-21T16:44:00.007-07:002011-02-21T19:22:40.958-07:00SIGNED MY INTUITION AWAYPay attention to the signs. I love that movie with Jim Carry about god and paying attention to all the signs around you. It slips my mind the name of the movie but I took that message to heart as it was what I already did. Signs. <div><br /></div><div>Let me give you an example of some of those signs. I see a butterfly on my window sill in the morning and two more times throughout the day. I will look up the meaning of butterfly and apply it directly to my life at that time. Normally there is similar reference going on in my life. That research usually spirals off some more signs and the trail continues throughout my day, week or month.<br /><div><br /></div><div>My life is all about signs, I take every tiny detail and I attach it to a good sign or a bad sign. Once I have gathered enough signs for either side of the coin my decision is then made. I really thought I was doing a good thing here, by heeding all the signs in my life.<div><br /></div><div>Except, I am an addict. For those of you that dont understand what it is to be an addict, it means that we do everything in excess. </div><div><br /></div><div>When I see a sign I take it to the extreme meaning and make it into a biblical law. Everything in my life is then dictated by the signs I receive. My tarot cards, synchronicities, similarities between connected things, road signs and number signs are only a small few ways I make my decisions. Everything in my life is compared and analyzed back to the signs attached to it. Until today i really believed this to be the safest way to live my life.</div><div><br /></div><div>Again I say until today.</div><div><br /></div><div>I need to zero in on a small area of my life here as this topic would be to big and leave to much to interpretation if I were to open it wide to all areas of my life. The area I need to focus on is my love life... or lack there of.</div><div><br /></div><div>I pick that area as it one of the ways for which I act out in my addiction as well as one of the ways I try to fill the void left by lack of fulfilling my addictions. </div><div><br /></div><div>When I met Merlin it was all about signs. He moved my entire existence so completely that I was left winded and confused for a very long time after he was gone. But his introduction to me was so laden with signs that it was very hard to ignore them as I had truly tried to do. Having seen so many signs and having understood them so completely I began to apply this to all areas of my life. Creating a habit of sorts.</div><div><br /></div><div>I could do nothing without a sign. If the sign I wanted turned out to be negative I would for the most part honor it. It had been proven with Merlin to work so that must mean all other signs were accurate as well, right?</div><div><br /></div><div>Wrong. There are many energies at work here on this planet we call earth. Not all signs are from a place of light, or sent by god. As I learned with my next boy toy.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I landed in Ankhs lap it was propelled by a sign from Sehkmet. A goddess I had worked a ritual with prior to meeting him. This ritual was a very intense one done while I was high as a kite and from a place of desperation and ego. I was lashing out and angry at losing Merlin and not understanding all the loss in my life. So I did a ritual to bring me out of my cloud and show me the truth.</div><div><br /></div><div>All the signs lead me directly to Ankh and a Meth Pipe. Good signs hey? I followed so blindly that nothing could pull me away from what I felt god was wanting me to do. Even when i knew in my gut that I was not honoring myself on the path I was on, I still dashed forward. It is no wonder that my car headed for that pole when all the truth slapped me in the face. </div><div><br /></div><div>Proven that all my signs were exaggerated with Ankh. I do not regret any of my time with him however cause I did get what I set out to achieve. The Truth behind my life. But the signs took me deeper then I needed to go. Blind faith took me to some pretty dark places without ever checking into my own intuitions and feelings.</div><div><br /></div><div>So thats why this time I did things differently yet still incorporated my signs. I see all the places cuddles and I could be great. All the places we could bring about positive change not only within ourselves but in the outside world as well. I can see how he plays into my future. Yet all the signs were pointing away from him. </div><div><br /></div><div>I begged god this past summer to give me one last hoorah before I call it quits in my land of addiction. I waited for a long time for that hoorah, so when it finally came I never recognized it as such. Which is a good thing cause in the beginning there were no signs attached to our rendezvous. I was able to just enjoy it for what it was and nothing more. A beautiful moment in time.</div><div><br /></div><div>Ah, but then the signs came and I ignored them. My feelings were coming back having eliminated some of my emotion numbing addictions. Along with my feelings return, my intuition was beginning to slowly trickle back into my belly as well. I began listening to that a bit more and it felt good to honor her again. The signs were contradicting however.</div><div><br /></div><div>My life the past couple of months in the area of love has been a pretty wild roller coaster ride for me, within the confines of my own little mind. Watching the signs tell me to get the fuck away as fast as I can, yet my feelings and intuition telling me to stay a bit longer. I found myself going back and forth over and over again. Dragging cuddles with me, I did warn him I was crazy.</div><div><br /></div><div>I gained something from all the confusion created again in my little world however. I trusted both and when combined together they can be a pretty powerful tool in ones life. I acknowledged my signs telling me No this weekend, but went with my feelings of Yes. Today I am grateful for trusting my intuition for it taught me a wonderful lesson.</div><div><br /></div><div>Some signs are indeed those signs from our divine higher power and when acknowledged and then passed through our feelings we can for sure take action and achieve something that benefits us. There are also signs that we force. We can find a sign in almost anything if we are looking for it. My second boytoy had the same name as my son in law and that for me solidified the fact that him and I were meant to be. Ridiculous? yup. But it was the tenth sign to show me he was the one for me at that time in my life. I see now I was forcing all those signs.</div><div><br /></div><div>There is a third set of signs that are the ones that I fully understood today. Those are the signs of my addict or from some place in the shadows. The signs that lead us down negative paths. If there is light signs out there, it is only in the cosmic order of things to have a counter balance in the dark. If we attribute God to govern the light then it would be assumed that little G or the devil would govern the Shadows. So I now understand some of these signs are placed before me by the devil who loves to indulge my addictions. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is why as I was sitting on the can in Burger King today shedding healthy tears over my current breakup. (again dramatized just for the pure pleasure of my own self created hell within my mind) I came to fully understand how the signs effected my current situation.</div><div><br /></div><div>All my cards and signs this weekend were about slipping back and not letting go. I was very frustrated with these signs as I truly felt I 'needed' to do what i was doing. Again nothing is every easy in my mind as there is an addict that squats there, so to trust what I 'feel' is needed, is like trusting a dog not to leave an open yard. Some dogs wouldnt leave, Harley wouldn't. But still I am not gonna risk it either. Well my mind is the same way. Feelings being so foreign to me right now I cannot put any kinda faith into them.</div><div><br /></div><div>I did this weekend though. I relapsed in two ways and feel no guilt over either. Today I feel more relieved and feel for the first time in many years that I am now free of the demons that hold me back. Having listened to the cards and the signs I would have held on to my fears and passed up the opportunity to relapse. That would have prolonged my recovery and would have left my heart plagued for more days then needed.</div><div><br /></div><div>I went with my feelings and feel I have the closure I need to move on. I tied up the lose ends of the relationship and said what I needed to in order to leave the energy there with him. Selfish some would say but in recovery you must be selfish in order to get to selfless. </div><div><br /></div><div>I dont think what I did today was selfish however I told a boy how incredible they were and how hard it was for me to walk away from it knowing that my heart was his for the taking. Its not much of a heart though and thats why I needed to take it back. I need to get my heart healed and healthy before I begin giving it away to sexy boys to take care of. Could he have nourished it for me? Probably. But the signs were telling me that would not have happened and my intuition also told me that same thing. </div><div><br /></div><div>I took the signs in combinination with my intuition and I planned a course of action that has left me standing in my integrity. My eyes are drained of tears and my mind exhausted, but for the first time in a very long time I feel I did something good for someone else instead of hurting all those I love. I gave back today. I gave back a very amazing man and told the world I may not be ready for him, but he is definitely ready for some equally amazing woman. As much as my Ego wants to punch me, my soul says i did the right thing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Signs are meant to be acknowledged. Not lived by. Acknowledged and then filtered through your heart. When all feels good action can then be taken and then you know fully that you are making the right choice for you in that moment in time.</div><div><br /></div><div>I will continue to draw my daily cards and to heed advice where necessary, but now that I am freeing myself from the chains that have held me captive for the past few years I can begin to test my own intuition and higher power to lovingly drive my bus where it needs to go.</div><div><br /></div><div>And just for the record I am now officially free of all boys, toys and sex. To walk my path of self discovery and recovery. </div><div><br /></div><div> 02/21/12 I will take my one year tag. </div><div>.</div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-77659326449031572882011-02-14T17:22:00.005-07:002011-02-14T18:45:24.057-07:00VINDICTIVE VALENTINES<div><br /></div><div>This is a day that invokes a wide variety of feelings in people. </div><div><br /></div><div>I just proofed that sentence before continuing on with this one and I was stunned how it typed out…. 'Feeling sin' instead of feelings in. That may be like a common typo for many people but to someone who’s entire life is dictated by signs and symbols that was a huge one as it is what I struggle with today. Sin. And Feeling. I feel a revelation coming on.</div><div><br /></div><div>Haha… sometimes I never know what I am gonna write about till I get started and other times what I did want to write about takes a whole different topic and runs with it. Today I am not sure where I am going so hang out and read on to find out I guess…..</div><div><br /></div><div>This world in my new belief structure is that of the devils playground. Let me shed light here on the fact that until very recently had you discussed anything about Jesus and the devil with me I would have ignored you and walked away. I have made mention to this already I am sure. </div><div><br /></div><div>We are all born of the light. The light being whatever you choose to believe it is. It really is nothing more then knowing that you were born a good person. We are all good people when we are born. Have you ever met an evil baby before? Our growth and lessons here on this earth are facilitated by ourselves and our spirit guides before coming here. I was taught that this is called a contract. A contract you make before ever coming here to earth for this incarnation. It matters not if you believe in incarnations or even close to the same thing as me, cause you cannot deny the balance between black and white or good or bad. Thats what I am really trying to get at here. Balance. </div><div><br /></div><div>So if we are born of the light, born good then what happens to us? </div><div><br /></div><div>How does the darkness come in, where do we go bad? Why do we go bad? Who or what snuffs out that light within us? How do these lessons and contracts fit in to keeping our light? If we do indeed have lessons to learn here on earth then who is The head of the school? </div><div><br /></div><div>The Devil. All of our challenges that help us to grow are instigated by the sins of this earth.</div><div><br /></div><div> Until recently I did not believe in sin or anything to do with Christian beliefs. And truly I still do not follow the Christian faith, I am a firm proud pagan and will stay that way. What a pagan is however is someone who is open to all views of spirituality and believes in balance. Wether that balance is found in the god and the goddess or the positives and the negatives of life.</div><div><br /></div><div> My personal balance today is between the addict in me and the light in me. When this internal struggle rages within I can relate it best to that of the devil and his sins and that of Jesus and his saviors. For I am Mary Magdalene…. As are all females/males that struggle with addiction as she had.</div><div><br /></div><div>I had wanted to discuss Valentines day, so let me move back to that now. </div><div><br /></div><div>This day has been a source of dread for me for many years. When I was married it was my disappointment that my husband was not at all romantic. He did try really hard to be, i will give him that. He bought me flowers three times in our 17 years together. We rarely went on romantic dinners, and never really went out of our way to show each other any sort of deep appreciation for our love that we shared. This did indeed made me bitter and its what ultimately lead to our demise. Although I am not an innocent saint here either. Its very hard to shower your lover with appreciation and gifts when truly your relationship lacks romantic type of love in the first place. Full of functioning family love though.....</div><div><br /></div><div>How could I fully love my Ex when I didnt even love myself? This I am finding to be such an incredibly true fact that I am not sure many people fully understand. When you do not love yourself you cannot possible attract love to you. As within so without. Many people feel they have found love, as I had with my husband, but in truth I was settling. I was forcing love out of need to raise our child together, other people do it because they have met someone with the same commonalities as them, but there is not a wowing spark there. Its okay though... 2 out of 3 aint bad. </div><div><br /></div><div>Where does this false feeling or half feeling of love come from? Why is it when they split up 7 years later they say…’I am not sure I ever loved him?’ Hmmm…. Who’s playground is this again? </div><div><br /></div><div> Yup. You thought it first. That sexy heartless Devil. Him and his pretty packages that are empty inside. He doesn’t want you to find that light again. Your lessons I am sure were hard ones as mine were, I found self hatred early in life. I know this is my lesson as an addict here on earth. I could not love my Ex as he could not love me, for our mothers abandoned us when we were both young, his physically, mine emotionally and we never learned how to love properly.</div><div><br /></div><div>The understanding of our emotions is a learned art. There are so many of us that have no idea how to feel many of our emotions. When strong feelings come up I either stuff them down with food. Numb them out with drugs or alcohol. Punch the living daylights out of a passerby or sex up a guy. whether we are aware of it or not most of us do this, all the time or at least at one point of our lives.</div><div><br /></div><div>This is so accepted in our society that there are movies and songs that breed the addictions to avoiding your feelings. Sex sells, you see it in almost every commercial. Food is a big economy booster, fastfood commercials flood your favorite shows, And alcohol is something that shows a real good time. Lets be honest here, we all sin. Even your devout Christians that can find the love for Jesus but many still cannot love themselves. And that is a sin. I would say the ultimate sin.</div><div><br /></div><div>That is why Valentines day invokes so many feelings for people. If we do not love ourselves we see this holiday as a threat. My partner will mess this up for sure and I will be yet again disappointed. Or if I am single it brings up feelings of being unloved which really just feeds into more self hatred for myself. What about the other end and the pressure that it puts on most men. Cause again lets be honest here, it really is a testing holiday for them. It’s a make or break relationship holiday for the new couples. How sad is that? This holiday just broke my current relationship. (which is a very good thing, but for another post, another time)</div><div><br /></div><div>I do feel that there are people out there that have found the love for themselves or had never lost it having been raised in a healthy family and having been taught how to understand their feelings. What about those people, How do they handle this holiday? I love to observe people and even though I don’t fully love myself although I must admit I am getting there, what I see makes me giggle a bit. </div><div><br /></div><div>For the people that love daily, this is a non holiday. Why do they need one day to show their lover that they care about them? Why do they need an expensive gift and a way over priced dinner on this special day to say, ‘Hey baby, I love you’. Especially when last night they looked deep into each others eyes in a loving embrace and they felt in the deepest parts of their souls the love of two whole happy people. It seems ridiculous to go out for dinner to flaunt that love. Who are you flaunting it for when the love is felt strongest when you are alone and relaxed together? Nah, true lovers do not go out today, they take the day off work and stay home in bed all day together. Tomorrow they go out for a romantic meal, and avoid the showboating of the fake lovers.</div><div><br /></div><div>Valentines day to me was created by the Devil to mock the light that is meant to be sacred and shared daily.... not reserved to just one day. The pressure on this day to feel love will drive many people to sin repeatedly and the Devil will laugh the entire day. Watching the students of his playground go through their tough lessons of self love. For those of you that do not like the reference to the Devil as I still am a bit wary of it myself. Look at it this way. The negative feelings caused on this day are so strong that they will infect their neighbors unconsciously…. Creating a sadness felt by many people. Sadness breeds bad habits and for this valentines day is notorious. </div><div><br /></div><div>Why else would this day be put in a month that is the highest depression month? The people that have found love it may be to pick up their spirits. For the people that lack love this is a very tough time for depression.</div><div><br /></div><div>The economy is also reliant on our self hatred. How many of us will run out and buy that box of chocolates ourselves to gorge on tonight as we rent 2 romantic comedies off paper view and cry ourselves to sleep tonight… knowing that tomorrow will be a new day and a fresh start. From my learned behaviors I will feed my addictions, feed the darkness of this world and keep feeding into not feeling anything. This is what this holiday breeds.</div><div><br /></div><div>I do feel hope however today. </div><div><br /></div><div>I feel as a world we are getting smarter and we are becoming aware of these holidays that invoke negative feelings, that power us cattle to stay inline and walking where our leaders wish us to go. Holidays that drain our pocket books as much as our hearts. We are becoming guarded and blocking out more of the darkness. Becoming awakened to self love and the light that makes us feel good about ourselves. We are finding new ways to spend our hard earned money that we deserve and respect. </div><div><br /></div><div>I see examples of self love popping up everywhere around me in the forms of a single woman walking her Elk hound daily, or the mother that goes out of her way to teach her child that love is stronger then reprimand. I see people hugging more today and using less words to express themselves.</div><div><br /></div><div>Its a good thing that positives out weigh negatives and Love is stronger then self hate.</div><div><br /></div><div>Love is in the air today. We must first grab it for ourselves however before we try to share it with another. Do something nice for yourself today. Go look in the mirror, look deep into your eyes and tell yourself you are loved. Then hug the next person you see. Do that everyday and no longer will we need just one day to acknowledge that love exists every day…. Everywhere.</div><div><br /></div><div>I love you not just for today.... but for everyday.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-49180873564845269532011-02-08T21:59:00.008-07:002011-03-14T09:22:49.964-06:00Jack and My Sinking Titanic.....<span class="Apple-style-span"><div class="uiHeader uiHeaderBottomBorder mbm" style="margin-bottom: 10px; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-color: rgb(170, 170, 170); padding-bottom: 0.5em; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; "><div class="clearfix uiHeaderTop" style="display: block; zoom: 1; "><div><h2 class="uiHeaderTitle" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'courier new'; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; font-weight: normal; "><i><br /></i></span></h2><h2 class="uiHeaderTitle" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'courier new'; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; font-weight: normal; "><i><br /></i></span></h2><h2 class="uiHeaderTitle" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'courier new'; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; font-weight: normal; "><i><br /></i></span></h2><h2 class="uiHeaderTitle" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'courier new'; line-height: 16px; font-weight: normal; "><i><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></i></span></h2><h2 class="uiHeaderTitle" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'courier new'; line-height: 16px; font-weight: normal; "><i><span class="Apple-style-span" >‘It's been 84 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint. The china had never been used. The sheets had never been slept in. Titanic was called the Ship of Dreams, and it was. It really was.’</span></i></span></h2></div></div></div><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix" style="display: block; zoom: 1; margin-bottom: 20px; padding-right: 100px; word-wrap: break-word; "><div><p style="text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > I believe everyone has a Titanic in their life. An experience, situation, or a person, that is meant to sink </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; font-size: small; ">to the bottom of the ocean once it is over. An overly intense event that alters ones life forever. I did. I </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; font-size: small; ">write as Rose from the Titanic in my own epic tale of a life of sex and drugs, and the boy who saved me.</span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>‘I saw my whole life as if I had already lived it. An endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared... or even noticed.’</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > My life had become an endless string of parties, drugs and random guys when I stepped onto my own Titanic. I knew my life was going in the wrong direction and I couldn’t seem to stop it. My friends tried to show me how to get out of the hole I had dug for myself, to no avail. I felt I could trust no one. My addictions kept my mind so narrowly focused that all I could do was put one foot in front of the other. Keeping my eyes closed tightly to the demons surrounding me.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > I turned to my higher power and begged to be carried to nicer surroundings. I begged for foot prints in the sand, I begged for death. I just wanted to be free of my own demons. I cried so much that my eyes were always bloodshot and my heart full of salt. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > Soon I found myself cocooned in my mothers living room, performing a ritual to bring me back to health and happiness. A reprieve from the parties, drugs and sex. I asked Spirit to focus me and lead me out of my mess and to let me walk on my true path of destiny. My spirit of choice had 4 symbols known to her. During this ritual I had three with me, it was the fourth I needed to acquire, so I asked to be delivered the fourth symbol and then I would be ready to walk the tunnel to my own salvation.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > With the attention span of a two year old, how quickly my addictions claimed me back. Before long I found myself in a car with my closest friend driving out to both of our futures. How anyone can find their future in Buttcrack no where town is beyond me, but we found ours there. Today I learned her future had left her beaten and broken on the side of the highway 1000 miles from home. My future however was in the form of the most beautiful boy I had ever had the pleasure of letting my eyes rest on. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > He was dressed in sweats and a Grey hoody. Hood up, hidden behind a layer of grease from working on the truck we had to walk around in the front yard. When my eyes connected with his, I could see the brightest light smouldering behind the exploring look he was giving me. It was instant for me. This guy was my future. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > The most incredible smile creeped across his lips as he explained he was going to go shower and would be right back. While he walked away he removed his sweater to reveal his back. On the top center of his back was a sacred tattoo. The Ankh, an Egyptian cross with a loop on the top of it. It was the symbol I Was waiting for. I stood absolutely stunned, staring at the last symbol of my Spirit. I expected to find it as a little pendant on a chain. I was shocked to see it on a man! Astounded I now understood why I felt an instant connection with him.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > Yes this was my Jack. I will follow him anywhere. He is my salvation. He is the last piece of my puzzle.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > From that moment on I was completely focused on my Jack. I drove to him every chance I got. He was not in a very pretty place in his own life. Beaten down by his own addictions and seeing no light at the end of his own tunnel, we were a sorry match. Misfits of a system gone bad. Learning how to run under the law and bending our realities with minds full of sex and drugs. He wanted out. I could offer him that.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " >(<i>Mary Brown) You shine up like a new penny</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > I brought him to my new apartment. He cleaned up. Like a new penny he was intensely beautiful. As he got cleaner he smiled more, he laughed more, we had fun. He quickly became part of my circle of friends. We all loved him equally, I think because we all recognized the strength he was displaying over the mastering of his addictions. He held true to his promises. He got a job and pitched in around the house. He held up his end of the bargain.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>JACK: No wait. Let me try to get this out. You're amazing....and I know I have nothing to offer you, Rose. I know that. But I'm involved now. You jump, I jump, remember? I can't turn away without knowing that you're going to be allright.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>ROSE: It's not up you to save me, Jack.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>JACK: You're right. Only you can do that.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > I couldn't, save myself however. I never made any promises. I was so focused on him, I never paid myself any attention. I kept slipping. I couldn’t quit. Drugs were masking the invisible pain I was still feeling. Even in the face of my destiny,. Being so focused on him, being so head over heels in love with him... I ignored what I needed. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > When you wake up from an addiction its like your life flashes before your eyes. All the memories of where my addiction destroyed my life came forth with such viscous force that I could not keep the contents in my stomach most days. Yet I could not quit. Everyone sat and watched me helplessly, but jack kept me safe while I processed.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > As I tried to come out of my addictions. I tried to keep focused on my beautiful Jack. I needed to see the light. He was such an insane light for me.. he was my salvation. I felt so much pain over my past that I needed to believe that Jack was my future and my light. We would drive around the county for hours sharing our dreams for the future. We wanted the same things and we planned for them together. I felt feeling stir in me that I had honestly thought I had never felt before.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > I was falling in love. I was Flying.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Rose: Hello Jack. I changed my mind. They said you might be out here.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Jack: Shhh. Gimme your hand. Now close your eyes, go on. Now step up. Now hold on to the railing. Keep your eyes closed, don't peek.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Rose: I'm not.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Jack: Step up on the railing. Hold on, hold on. Keep your eyes closed. Do you trust me?</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Rose: I trust you. [Jack opens Rose's arms]</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Jack: All right. Open your eyes.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Rose: [gasp] I'm flying, Jack! [Jack starts singing]</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > We must land however after a great flight. And as with the unsinkable ship, nothing can be promised in this life. I was so certain that me and Jack were pre ordained by some mystical energy that I never noticed as he got cleaner and clearer he was also living his own memories. Memories of how much he loved his Ex and missed his own family and life he left behind for drugs.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > He came out of his addictions. I could not.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > The day Jack died for me, was probably one the hardest days of my emotional life. At Wal-Mart with my dog, after 48 hours of the high stress of a missing boyfriend, I experienced such an intense feeling. A feeling until then I don't think I fully understood. Jealousy.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > As my car passed this nice black 300, in the parking lot, I caught a glimpse at the sexy driver. It is all so slow motion in my mind today. The car coasts by as if floating, slowly the gorgeous boys incredible smile freezes in place, and an understanding so deep gurgled within me. The driver was my Jack and next to him….smiling a huge warm smile, looking like the happiest girl in the world….. was his beautiful ex girlfriend. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > Stunned. Electric jolts shooting through my brain desperately seeking the answers in my memories. Overwhelmed, a rage so strong overtook me and I felt my car take on its own life as I ripped out of the parking lot. I drove recklessly down a few parking lots to where there were no other cars. I stepped on the gas blind with rage and headed straight for that pole.... </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > I was done! I wanted out. My life was a lie. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Rose: I love you, Jack.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Jack: Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Rose: I'm so cold.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Jack: Listen, Rose. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and make lots of babies, and you're gonna watch them grow. You're gonna die an old... an old lady warm in her bed, but not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me?</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Rose: I can't feel my body.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Jack: Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me... it brought me to you. And I'm thankful for that, Rose. I'm thankful. You must do me this honor, Rose. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Rose: I promise.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Jack: Never let go.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Rose: I'll never let go. I'll never let go, Jack.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > I slammed on the brakes with two feet to spare. My car spared. My dog spared. And my life spared.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > Today I am clean and I owe it all to Jack. For three months I obsessed over what I did wrong. Where Spirit messed up. He was my future right? I spent three months in tears of a broken heart. I was miserable and desolate, but then as if suddenly, I understood what spirit did for me.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > I needed Jack to be that gorgeous in order to follow him. He showed me that I indeed did have an addiction that needed to be dealt with. That my emotions were out of control. If it was not for that beautiful man getting his own life back, I would not be getting my life back today. No more parties, no more drugs. My life has meaning again, I have my two youngest kids back. And I am more clean and clear then I have been in years. Because of him. He was an angel who saved my life and for that I am now thankful. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > </span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>[letting go of Jack's hand] I'll never let go, Jack. I promise. [she kisses his hand and watches him sink, almost falling apart before she finally climbs back into the water to call the lifeboat back]</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i><br /></i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i> </i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " > He is dead to me now, as is my life of addiction. My Titanic was a great trip, but it is over now and its time for me to live.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Lewis Bodine: We never found anything on Jack... there's no record of him at all.</i></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px; " ><i>Old Rose: No, there wouldn't be, would there? And I've never spoken of him until now... Not to anyone... Not even your grandfather... A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. But now you know there was a man named Jack Dawson and that he saved me... in every way that a person can be saved. I don't even have a picture of him. He exists now... only in my memory</i></span></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; font-style: italic; "><br /></div><p></p></div></div></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-48518122448585655632011-02-08T21:05:00.004-07:002011-02-08T21:56:14.801-07:00Addictions Poem...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; "><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">Then a hermit, who visited the city once a year, came forth and said, "Speak to us of Pleasure."</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">And the prophet answered, saying:</p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">Pleasure is a freedom song,</p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">But it is not freedom.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">It is the blossoming of your desires,</p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">But it is not their fruit.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">It is a depth calling unto a height, But it is not the deep nor the high.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">It is the caged taking wing, But it is not space encompassed.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">Ay, in very truth, pleasure is a freedom-song.</p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">And I fain would have you sing it with fullness of heart; </p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">yet I would not have you lose your hearts in the singing.</p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">Some of your youth seek pleasure as if it were all, and they are judged and rebuked.</p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">I would not judge nor rebuke them. I would have them seek.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">For they shall find pleasure, but not her alone:</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "> Seven are her sisters, and the least of them is more beautiful than pleasure.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "> Have you not heard of the man who was digging in the earth for roots and found a treasure?</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "> </p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">And some of your elders remember pleasures with regret like wrongs committed in drunkenness.</p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "> But regret is the beclouding of the mind and not its chastisement.</p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">They should remember their pleasures with gratitude, as they would the harvest of a summer.</p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">Yet if it comforts them to regret, let them be comforted.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">And there are among you those who are neither young to seek nor old to remember;</p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">And in their fear of seeking and remembering they shun all pleasures, lest they neglect the spirit or offend against it.</p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">But even in their foregoing is their pleasure.</p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">And thus they too find a treasure though they dig for roots with quivering hands.</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">But tell me, who is he that can offend the spirit?</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "> Shall the nightingale offend the stillness of the night, or the firefly the stars?</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "> And shall your flame or your smoke burden the wind?</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "> Think of you the spirit is a still pool which you can trouble with a staff?</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">Oftentimes in denying yourself pleasure you do but store the desire in the recesses of your being.</p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">Who knows but that which seems omitted today, waits for tomorrow?</p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">Even your body knows its heritage and its rightful need and will not be deceived.</p><p style="text-align: left;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">And your body is the harp of your soul,</p><p style="text-align: left;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">And it is yours to bring forth sweet music from it or confused sounds.</p><p style="text-align: left;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">And now you ask in your heart, "How shall we distinguish that which is good in pleasure from that which is not good?"</p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; text-align: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; "><br /></p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower,</p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee.</p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life,</p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love,</p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.</p><p style="text-align: right;font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; ">People of Orphalese, be in your pleasures like the flowers and the bees</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-76393396511265910442011-02-04T22:07:00.007-07:002011-02-05T10:53:56.360-07:00Addicted to your personality?<div>I ask myself what is an addictive personality?</div><div><br /></div><div>I heard this all the time when I was growing up. It would always leave me wondering what they meant. What does that mean to you? I can look around me and I can recognize addictive like people, but what is an addictive personality? </div><div><br /></div><div>Is it that the personality gets addicted to different things at the same time? Do you figure it makes the difference between someone that just gets hooked on one drug and once he quits those days are over for him. With no trouble to quit? The addictive person would just stay addicted unable to quit?</div><div><br /></div><div>When people would say to me, ...'ah Brandy you have an addictive personality, I am not gonna let you try that drug'. I would always just stand dumbfounded. What did that mean? I was already hooked on whatever drug I was on presently. So why would this drug be any different? What would make them comment on my addictive personality? I would let the comment just slip past me, confused.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am now hearing that saying all the time now in NA and again I wonder the same thing. This time however I am doing <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">alot</span> of reading. Studying the 12 step program and understanding what the disease of addiction is. So now the question goes deeper and has a few avenues of exploration.</div><div><br /></div><div>I found myself angry when I began trying to quit weed. When I would tell people I was quitting weed they would share their stories of ease when they quit. So many of my friends decided one day that they had enough of smoking up. Several of them walked away from it and never looked back. How did they do it? Were they not smoking everyday like me? Did they not get labelled chronic as I had? So one would say while they were hooked, they had an addictive personality right? How could you tell if they didn't? </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't think you can. When I always wanted to try cocaine when I was a teenager, my boyfriends would block me. Saying I had an addictive personality. It made me question what coke had that all the drugs I was on didn't. As I attend NA meetings now I am told not to tell people its weed I am hooked on. Again I find myself wondering then whats the difference between that and coke? <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Meth</span> a dirty drug I loved, but never 'hooked' me. Is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">meth</span> not worse then crack/cocaine? </div><div><br /></div><div>Is it the drug then or the personality? Is crack/coke the only thing you can become addicted to so therefor those users may not have an addictive personality. Its just the drug? Is that why I have been shielded from that drug all my life? I can accept then that there are two types of addicts.</div><div><br /></div><div>Those that get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. those are the ones that clean up easily when they work the 12 step program. That would be addict type one.</div><div><br /></div><div>Addict type two then would be the one that will just transfer that addiction. Moving to whatever it can use to kill the host... food. drugs. sex. alcohol. Would this then be considered an addictive personality?</div><div><br /></div><div>How the fuck would my little boy toys at the ripe ages of 15 then realize my personality was an addictive one? How was I blind to it? What did they see in me that I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">didnt</span>? How can one recognize that type of personality?</div><div><br /></div><div>Tonight while watching a movie with my kids... 8 and 10, I observe something that makes my skin crawl. My kids just got their allowance tonight and had spent the bulk of it in Safeway while I was getting supper. I took notice to the fact that my son had bought 2 rolls of gum as oppose to one. I thought, he's a hoarder and always buys on bulk. It made me smile and think of my mom as she is the same sun sign as him, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Taurus</span>. She is the worst pack rat. Later that hour while we were watching the movie I noticed something else. This made me angry.</div><div><br /></div><div>He had ate a whole pack of gum and had the hugest wad in his mouth. Barely able to chew and obviously not enjoying what he had stuffed in there. I reprimanded him on eating it all. I asked why he would eat the whole pack. He just shrugged his shoulders and said 'i dunno'. </div><div><br /></div><div>At that moment my daughter who is too smart for her own good piped up...' mom is j eating that gum like you eat a whole chocolate cake and cant stop at one piece? Does that mean j will be a drug addict too?'</div><div><br /></div><div>My skin went cold. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Thats</span> how I explained to my kids what it was like to be a drug addict, or to have an addictive personality. I told them I cant stop at one piece like most people can. And looking at my son I feared instantly the same thing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Can that be true? Can someone have an addictive personality already embedded into them from birth? Or is an addictive personality born out of a trauma? Does the ladder mean my son is stuffing his feelings already? Or is it the addict gene in him, that would have been passed on by me? </div><div><br /></div><div>The questions have been spiralling in my mind all evening. Am I turning my son into an addict? Can I stop it now? If so, what do I do because I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">dont</span> wish this personality on anyone. Least of all one of my children. What can i do to help him now before its to late and he is living on hastings street?</div><div><br /></div><div>Manage my own type two disease of Addiction, I guess.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-10891765622829506612010-04-12T19:22:00.003-06:002011-02-14T17:20:24.173-07:00MAKE YOUR CHOICE NEVER LOOK BACK<div><br /></div><div><i><br /><br /><br /><br />MAKE YOUR CHOICE NEVER LOOK BACK - November 2cd, 2009</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>During my morning run (I like to still say run even though after three months of not running I can barely keep a light jog pace for longer then 2 minutes, but it makes me feel better to say run) this morning, I gave some thought to my original purpose behind all of these changes. Some changes were out of my control, but some of the changes were my conscious choice. Some of my choices, created some of the unwanted changes, but in the end most of my situation has been created from the choices I made.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>So why is it that we spend months, even years sometimes working up enough courage to make a change. And then once that change is in motion, and we start to feel the effects of that change, we panic and revert back to what we had before the change was made? When we are contemplating the change, the unknown is what draws us to make the change, and the fact we are obviously not satisfied with the way things are at the time. But once the change is made, the fear of the unknown becomes so paralyzing that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves and run back to what was comfortable. We conveniently forget what it was that made us unhappy enough to make the change in the first place.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>While I was at my ex's yesterday, I was helping my kids with homework, cooking dinner, cleaning house and laughing and having fun with my babies. It felt so easy, so perfect. I started longing for what was. My old life. The support that lives there. The love from my kids that lives there. And the nourishment that lives there. How many people would it make happy, if I just threw my hands up in the air and said... 'hey, you know what, I made a mistake and I am going back'. My kids would be relieved for sure, my family would all smile knowing that the charming man was back in the family, and all of our friends would be much more comfortable knowing that fairytale love does still exist. Not to mention the courage it took me to admit my mistake and swallow my pride. A very noble idea to run back, hey?</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>It seems so easy.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>Yet a small part of me dies on the inside when I think of returning to what was.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I am not in love with my ex. There is no romance there, no spark. We have nothing in common, other then three children. Yes he is an amazing man but he does not invoke any sort of passion with in me. You ever watch a movie where the girl should marry the wealthy, stable, good, dependable boy? But she longs so desperately for that poor farm boy who's eye's sparkle and when they are together they create magic so strong that it binds them to one another for eternity.... It's always the farm boy we cheer for in the movies, yet in real life we are much more comfortable when someone chooses the stable good man. Why is that? Are we so stability driven that we are willing to push our passions as far away from us as possible? I am tired of conforming to a marriage that no longer serves my personal growth and passions in life. I am sorry if that makes people feel uncomfortable, hell it makes me feel uncomfortable!</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I am not saying I want to find my dream lover. What I am saying is that I want to be true to myself. I don't know what I am looking for right now. I have no big plans or goals, no hidden blueprints to take over the world. I know that I gave a lot of thought to leaving my marriage, and I spent years invested in making it the best marriage I could. But in the end my heart was saying it was time to move on. I trusted it, and I jumped both feet into what lies before me now. The entire world!! I made my choice and now it's time to stop looking back, and to move forward into my unknown future. To embrace the path my heart put me on, and trust that all will be perfect.</i></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-58767746828661092252010-04-12T19:17:00.002-06:002010-04-12T19:22:16.731-06:00HALLOWEEN<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Q9yjCeLDNxJryI3W8yk0uoZnhfWKDwMmSI5JGOykhKQwRWj3lU9Pe5oc7VS3ZXb6x3wRBRxPpVvO5x4zD1m4OEX7QIYAiRZw3geKJVVVfR8uXB4uTtYhUIjnMJDRw1_2nd5sF8PYAk0/s1600/11416011742622574131.jpeg___1_500_1_500_cb94de6a_.png.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Q9yjCeLDNxJryI3W8yk0uoZnhfWKDwMmSI5JGOykhKQwRWj3lU9Pe5oc7VS3ZXb6x3wRBRxPpVvO5x4zD1m4OEX7QIYAiRZw3geKJVVVfR8uXB4uTtYhUIjnMJDRw1_2nd5sF8PYAk0/s400/11416011742622574131.jpeg___1_500_1_500_cb94de6a_.png.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5459426249397530802" border="0" /></a><br /><div><i><br /><br /><br />HALLOWEEN - October 31st, 2009</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I just picked my middle child up from her friends house after an evening of trick or treating with a group of friends. As I listened to her excited tales of the best haunted house and the biggest candy she got, I was reminded of all the things I love about this time of year.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>Halloween is by far my favourite time of year. It's the most beautiful time of year, everything around you is red and orange(My favourite colors). Leaves crunch under your feet and the air is crisp and refreshing. Excitement is in the air because of all the celebrations occurring in and around this time of year, thanksgiving and Christmas. Getting caught up in the kids ideas and excitement over their well thought out costumes. Seeing the houses decorated so hauntingly and people parading around the streets, not afraid to stand out and be noticed. Halloween seems to be the only holiday not completely lost after childhood, if nothing else it gets more exciting as we get older. The costumes get more elaborate, the houses get decorated for a party!</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>For me however Halloween goes even deeper then that. In the olden days, way, way back. This was the time of year when crops are harvested, livestock are slaughtered and families came together to all pitch in. All in preparation for the long winter months ahead. Back then we honoured the natural rhythm of life, the ebb and flow of the seasons. In the spring we planted seeds, in the summer we tended those plants, in the fall we harvested our food and in the winter we rested and planned for our spring. We respected the land. What she gave to us we were grateful for and never took it for granted. We created rituals to show our gratefulness as well to honour and encourage continued blessings from our Lovely mother earth. Halloween (or called Samhain back then) was one of these celebrations. When we began to move into the cities this became lost on us, as we were able to buy our food and no longer needed to respect the seasons for our lively hood. We now have super markets to take care of us, and winter is nothing more then a dreaded season we must get through in order to get to summer again.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>Oh, but for me, this one day, Samhain allows me to remember and to revel in the symbols of the past. The Cauldron is the symbol of endless food and drink. Used in the old days to ensure ones survival through the long winter months. The Jack-o-Lantern was created as a source of protection for a home, to scare away ghosts and goblins that would roam free at this time of the year. It is believed that the veil between the worlds is thinnest this night of the year, and at midnight on Samhian you can actually dine with your ancestors that have passed on. Skeletons are a representation of the dead and those gone before us. They remind us that we are all the same and will all return to the earth. Spider webs are a great symbol of how we are all connected. And how we weave our own lives. But my favourite symbol at Halloween is the mask. Masks were worn as a sign of transformation. We can become anything we want at Halloween. It's like new years resolutions objectified. Some people spend the entire year creating that persona they want to display just for that day. In those moments you are some one else. Ask me again in a few moments about my favourite Halloween persona I had. I want to take the topic deeper for a moment.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>Samhain is considered the witches new year. Everything in the old days before the church, was based on the seasons. The year started with winter. Winter is time for us to contemplate and reflect on the past success's of our harvest season. And to plan our next years gardens. To figure out what we needed for the coming year and how to make it all happen. Symbolically we can use that today. Winter is the time of year for us to go within and reflect on where we are at in life. To see if this is where we want to be. To Empty out the old to allow room for the new. To take a look at what we want to create for ourselves the coming year. Spring was the time of year to put those plans that we worked on over winter into play. To work the soils and plant the seeds. Spring in our own lives is to put into action the desires we created over the long cold winter months.. And to be honest living in the northern country we should all have well thought out desires! Summer was time to work tirelessly on our crops to ensure our survival in the winter. It meant long days and hard work. For us today that is when the sun gives us the most energy to really work hard on those dreams you planted the seeds for a few months back. Coming into fall was where we reaped all the benefits of our hard work and it was the end. Death. Symbolically this is the time of the year to dump all the stuff not working in your life. Empty out and let die the stuff holding you back. Once that is done, the wheel begins all over again.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>As I look at my life today, I am amazed at the perfect time of the year for all the doors to shut in all the area's of my life. You could say I was doing a major dumping in my life as we speak. And I am sure if you looked at your life, you could see where things have changed for you just recently as well. Maybe not as dramatic as mine, or maybe nothing the outside world would notice. Maybe something within you. But change is in the air. I stumbled coincidentally upon this story today and I could not stop crying while I was reading it and well after reading it. I wanted to share it with you.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>The Descent of the Goddess</i></div><div><i>The Goddess is Maiden, Mother, and Crone</i></div><div><i>Her children surround her; she is never alone.</i></div><div><i>She lives in the moment, she knows no grief or uproar,</i></div><div><i>'till harvest rolls 'round and brings death to her door.</i></div><div><i>Then her bright colors fade and her glitter glows dim,</i></div><div><i>for her son lives no longer; she's mourning for him.</i></div><div><i>He's fallen upon her body of earth-</i></div><div><i>oh, how can it be deadly, which once gave him birth?</i></div><div><i>She buries him gently, and follows him down,</i></div><div><i>and she casts off in grief all her robes, jewels, and crown.</i></div><div><i>There is no need of finery where she now sets foot,</i></div><div><i>down in the darkness of loam and root.</i></div><div><i>Her heart is bound tightly, no peace stills her mind.</i></div><div><i>She is cold and bereft: she is angry and blind.</i></div><div><i>She stumbles and staggers, ever weaker she grows,</i></div><div><i>but then hears a voice she is certain she knows!</i></div><div><i>"My mother, my Lady, why have you come here?"</i></div><div><i>Tis the voice of her lover, Her son, in her ear.</i></div><div><i>"Why have you left me?" She cries out in grief.</i></div><div><i>"Why must I bear you to be my joys thief?"</i></div><div><i>He has come here before, but she does not recall,</i></div><div><i>and he touches her hand, to explain again, all:</i></div><div><i>"It's age and fate, there's naught I can do,</i></div><div><i>save promise by rebirth I shall join you.</i></div><div><i>You are every my Lady, my Mother, my Dear</i></div><div><i>and I swear that in death there is nothing to fear"</i></div><div><i>Now she remembers: the graves but a womb</i></div><div><i>And a promise of rebirth brings light to the gloom.</i></div><div><i>There's peace and reunion to follow each death,</i></div><div><i>as a moment of stillness will follow each breath.</i></div><div><i>And the goddess emerges each time she withdraws,</i></div><div><i>And the wheel turns to freedom, and rolls without pause.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I sit here now again in tears. For I too had everything once. I longed for nothing. I had a great career that I put my blood sweat and tears into, an incredible family I loved and people admired, Children running at my feet and teenagers cranking their tunes. And then harvest rolled in and all was gone. Ripped away from me violently and suddenly. My glitter and sparkle gone. The fire in my eyes snuffed out. I feel like I am blind with pain most days and others I have begged for the cool soil to take me. I scream at my apartment as my joys thief. But alas I breath and as I read this I am given hope. Hope that all will be well again soon. Belief that I will emerge again, because this is life and on it will roll without pause. And in this glimmer of hope I am currently experiencing, I am yet again reminded of the most transforming Halloween I had during the early part of my weight loss phase.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I was 50 lbs lighter and I remember thinking, I could be anything I wanted to be. I was skinny enough to pull off any costume. This was the first time in my adult years that I had this much options on a costume! As I sat and contemplated what to go out as... only one thought kept popping into my mind. I always longed to dress like her. When I seen the movie, at an obese size I longed to have a body like hers. Cat woman! Hello? What is more sexier then the uber confident and cocky cat woman? Yup that's what I want to be for Halloween. That's the transformation I had been working on for months and this is exactly how I want to display her. I remember walking into the bar that night. Strutting and purring as cat woman would. I really did feel like her, powerful, confident and in complete control of who and what I gave my attention to. Guys eye's were on me all night and I loved every minute of it. I could feel my poweress over them and it was magical. I never want to be the fat dead bride again, or the house wife in a housecoat and hair rollers or sadly that silly clown costume. No I want to be something that liberates me and creates magic in my world.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>What do you want to create this year? Sit and think of what needs to go and what you want to plant. I am not sure what I want to plant yet... But I will by the end of winter.</i></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-24358868018481268632010-04-12T19:09:00.002-06:002010-04-12T19:13:20.152-06:00MY TEEN DAUGHTER, MY BEST FRIEND<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ120tzsqX1Yog9Ogn1OJoc1sNHWTnbQDLqrLmdpeMg3njQ38EWLhX_97b6eJvdu4HjLQFaf1X1ikWs4pYgvl5auQ2R6J_KqXH2NVUHPQ-Pn-e5STobGUweYongmATUt6nlBMIxxuX-Is/s1600/mother-and-daughter-vintage.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ120tzsqX1Yog9Ogn1OJoc1sNHWTnbQDLqrLmdpeMg3njQ38EWLhX_97b6eJvdu4HjLQFaf1X1ikWs4pYgvl5auQ2R6J_KqXH2NVUHPQ-Pn-e5STobGUweYongmATUt6nlBMIxxuX-Is/s400/mother-and-daughter-vintage.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5459423832134226242" border="0" /></a><br /><div><i><br /><br />MY TEEN DAUGHTER, ME BEST FRIEND - October 30th,2009</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I had a lot to think about today. Just when you think it may be over, it's not. More tears fell today, which I was pretty sure, I should be fresh out of now. And I could feel another thing slipping away from me. I thought I had nothing left to be taken, but I was wrong. My Teenage Daughter. I am not sure I can handle any more loss in my life but today I faced more. The possible loss of my teen daughter to move back home. Move home!!.. back to a city 4 hours away from me. And strangely enough, this is the one that I think hurts the most, out of all the things removed from my life recently. This is the one that brings instant tears to my eye's.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>You see me and my daughter have a unique relationship. Her friends envy her relationship with me. People compliment me on my relationship with my teenage daughter. She is not only my kid, she is someone that I have raised for the past 16 years, but she is also my closest friend. When she was a baby, I was only 17. I had lost most of my friends and found myself lonely with no one to talk t0. My baby was there, so I talked to her. My ex was working two jobs and still living the bar scene life, so T and I bonded. All through her growing up she was the one I would talk out things with and get her advice on. It was her and I. When my ex and I had the next two kids, it was T and I that both raised those kids. She's more of a sister to me. Now that I am entering my toughest challenges life has ever thrown at me, they want to take her from me as well!!</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I am sick, physically ill over the thought of not having my teen here by my side. I would be lost without her now... and She wants to move home. She wants to leave me. She hates me.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>She cries about how much she hates it here. How much she misses home where she has friends. She feels Edmonton is the enemy of everything that has gone wrong in her personal life. I feel devastated that I am the cause of all her pain. She is angry at me for leaving her. Feels I have abandoned her motherly wise and she has lost me as a friend as well. She has not been able to make friends at the school here, do you remember high school and how tough it was with friends. She dreads going to school and skips most days. My ex has to fight with her to get her to go, which compounds the anger she has. My heart breaks for her, she hates her life. And outside school she does nothing but baby-sit her brother and sister. I can see why she hates it. Would you not hate it? Would you not be afraid and angry. I know I would hate it, and I also know what I probably would have done by now, had I been her.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>But when I get the texts from her this morning, I talk a good talk and beg her to come home. Ignoring how much she hates it, I begin making promises of a better future, bribing her with hopes. Hopes that I cannot promise her, when my future is so uncertain. I can't give her back what she wants and I know that, but I promise it anyways. And when that wasn't working, I pulled the 'I can't live without you' card and cried a lot. So much so that my middle daughter had to rub my back and whisper in my ear that it was going to be okay. It became about me, out of desperation to hold on to the last few things I have in my life. So T caved and came back. I was so relieved when she txted that she was on the bus coming home. Everything is going to be ok now, right?</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I am not so sure, it doesn't feel like it was going to be alright. The more I have been thinking about it. The more the emptiness grows in the pit of my stomach. Fear and panic grow. I feel out of control of my feelings and my tears blur my vision. I think that I may be holding on to something that is meant to be let go of. My life has been a series of letting go, maybe this is a part of that letting go. I have taken everything she knows away from her, how can I keep punishing her by keeping her here? I am sure some of you feel, letting go of my marriage wasn't smart. Some people I am sure think I was crazy for letting go of my perfect management career. But look at what that poor girl is going through here. She is miserable, so unbelievably unhappy here. I see her unhappy eye's and know that this is not healthy either, even if she is where she belongs. And a small part of me drowns every time I am near her and feel her pain.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>In a long discussion she has agreed to stick it out until the end of the term and then if she still hates it still, she could move home. This after much talking and convincing. She wants to go now, she is just compromising because she knows her dad will drown without her as well. But her leaving has it's draw backs for her as well. Loss of cell phone and a, your on your own kid, kind of move. She plans on living with friends, maybe she will call her grandma. My heart breaks a little at the thought of that. But now I wonder what to do? I keep her here with her family and yes she is fed and safe. But she is miserable and dying on the inside. Or I let her runaway home which is 4 hours away. On her own with know way of us knowing where she is. But where she will be happy amongst her friends?</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I am sure every mother is thinking that I am crazy to even contemplate an idea of letting her go, but really look at it. She is 16, by law they can go at will now and she may just end up running away on bad terms, which would be worse. She has become toxic to her brother and sister already, she is not really watching them when she is suppose to be. I don't want to lose her to drugs because she is so miserable here, that she needs them to cope. But letting her go is teaching her to run away from her problems. OMG! I am so lost and devastated. Everything is much too overwhelming for me.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I love my daughter with everything I have and if she moves I will not only lose my daughter I will lose my best friend and I will lose my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. This has got to be the lowest I have ever been in my life. And it just keeps getting darker. How many shades of black can I experience?</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i><br /></i></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-25509091229473856142010-04-12T19:04:00.002-06:002010-04-12T19:09:01.845-06:00LIFE IS A ROLLER COASTER<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVsalmpJFKkEw6K2vdMdjtY8NmopwY0VE0UNmWnnsW8wKEEQhTvK9HL5jETxvJpP3yiDBMSBcJkauZNBjYK6uQ7HXDomeO6I_n-aYeDfx7QGpB5uJGH5_UagMtZRF6mJBBr4yIMmw4uNU/s1600/fantasy-roller-coaster-broken-rail-2.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVsalmpJFKkEw6K2vdMdjtY8NmopwY0VE0UNmWnnsW8wKEEQhTvK9HL5jETxvJpP3yiDBMSBcJkauZNBjYK6uQ7HXDomeO6I_n-aYeDfx7QGpB5uJGH5_UagMtZRF6mJBBr4yIMmw4uNU/s400/fantasy-roller-coaster-broken-rail-2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5459422830367526306" border="0" /></a><br /><div><i><br /><br /><br />LIFE IS BUT A ROLLER COASTER - October 30th,2009</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>Life is a Roller coaster when you sit back and think about it. Rarely does your life follow a smooth track like the little train at an amusement park, although I could wish for nothing greater at this moment. No, unfortunately life is a series of twists, turns and sudden drops. The twist and turns can be fun sometimes, the loop de'loops can send an adrenaline rush through you that can be exciting and very enjoyable. But, It's the sudden unexpected deadly drops that hit you without warning, that really freak me out. Those drops that leave your stomach somewhere over in that farmers field.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>That was yesterday. Drop of F%^&ing Doom!!</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>As I sat there, with tears that kept flooding me whether I wanted them to or not. I let panic and fear take me fully. I allowed them to seep through every cell in me and dictate my thoughts and actions. I embraced the fact that I was unemployed, and I allowed it to scare the hell out of me. I stewed in the nasty leftovers of my marriage. I faced the fact that my kids were going to have to deal with this change on there own and in their own ways. As much as I want to protect them from all the ugliness of the world, I realized yesterday that I simply cannot. I allowed the raw emotions of my negative self to burst forth from of me, with no control over their final destination. I was fully present in the moment with all the demons of my past, present, and future, and I was scrooged.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>Ever wake up after a day of hell and think... what was that?! What makes a day like that so horribly different from other days in your life? I woke up today and was so relieved that I felt human again, all I can do is feel a huge sense of relief that I made it through that day alive. It was a very tough one. But now I sit and contemplate the lesson from that day. I feel a strong sense of urgency to learn what information that day held for me, lest I have to repeat the lesson again in a few days... Because to be honest, I am not sure I would survive another one of those drops of doom right now.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>The silver lining in my dark dismal day is the awareness that I do still have a lot of great things in my life to cherish and respect. Friends! The overwhelming support from friends was a shock to me. Up until now, whenever I have struggled with something in my life. I would withdraw from the people closest to me and keep my weakness's to myself. Yesterday showed me how incredibly retarded that is on the emotional healing part of my journey. I cherish the friends I still have. I have been getting so caught up in what I have lost that I am not appreciating what has been left. I have been spending so much time beating myself up for hurting the people closest to me, yet it's those same people that picked me up yesterday and dusted me off. The things and people that are still present in my world are the ones that are good for me. The things that I can utilize to open up new doors for myself. If, and only if....I can learn to let go of the things that are trying to leave my life</i></div><div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>All around me I see people holding on so dearly to things, people and events in their lives that have since moved away years ago. But they hold on, completely unaware that they are grasping at something that serves no purpose for them anymore. By holding on to the past it's like keeping a foot in that door of the past. Never being able to open up the door across the hall because if you take a step towards that door the one you are holding open will shut and lock forever. And you have no idea what’s in the door across the hall, so you get caught in the hallway.. or between the worlds. It is okay to sit there for a few moments to regroup and collect yourself. To revel in the wonderful things the last room had to offer you and to prepare yourself for the new room you are about to walk into. It is not healthy however to pull up a chair and sit there in the hall living life through some good books you found on the floor. Which is where I am trying to sit right now in my life... as are many of you.</i></div><div><br /></div></div><div><i>Yesterday in my hallway there was a very cold draft that came in through the window at the end of the hall. With that draft came all my demons sweeping in from the dark, gliding down the walls to surround me, with warnings a many!! Faint or listen to the warnings, were my only options. I chose to listen, with very weak knee's and blurry vision.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I love the 17 years I spent with my husband. They were filled with joy and laughter and a sense of gamesmanship. But they are over and I must move on. Do I know what’s ahead of me in the romantic arena?... nope! Am I afraid I will live out my life alone with just my cat... yup! I adored my job with JC and all the growth and joy it brought me. Is my heart breaking cause it was ripped from me violently.... hell ya! Do I know what I am going to do next... nope. Am I afraid of going hungry.. yup! My daughter is the world to me. Will I be lost if she moves to GP...yup! Will she survive and learn and grow on her own accord... yes she will. Am I afraid for her... hell ya! But you know what? As I stood before those demons, I realized that they were not hurting me. They were big and ugly, scary and foul smelling, but they were making a path to the next door. They were asking me to feel the fear and do it anyways!!</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>If we let fear hold us back, we will forever be caught in that hallway. Just surviving, not actually living. Going through the motions of life, but not truly feeling the joys it has to offer. You may find comfort in those books, but it is just an illusion. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Held my chin up high, shook my shoulders to release the fears holding me to the door behind me and I took a shaky step towards the door on the other side of the hallway. One foot in front of the other is all I can focus on today. But with each step my confidence will grow and my fears will subside. In a few steps my hand will be on the door handle of my new life. The anticipation is mounting and excitement grows, possibilities are endless!</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-46305441263183905892010-04-08T21:19:00.003-06:002010-04-08T21:25:09.410-06:00FLASHBACK 200LBS<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEituvggXWtNqcRYS2-qRkB28V01kUOo6dbMUkiO4QIKLL5iDOJ8Ny8qHtS83Itqqnsu2lQZQDFiRtCE8ZItKGdhEQyvxCYjWLppQNjDakKu2kx64X57GnBUZ-adpRRIQBqRJ0w0Jzx3eWQ/s1600/confidence.gif"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 294px; height: 335px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEituvggXWtNqcRYS2-qRkB28V01kUOo6dbMUkiO4QIKLL5iDOJ8Ny8qHtS83Itqqnsu2lQZQDFiRtCE8ZItKGdhEQyvxCYjWLppQNjDakKu2kx64X57GnBUZ-adpRRIQBqRJ0w0Jzx3eWQ/s400/confidence.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457973503134059954" border="0" /></a><br /><div><i><br /><br /><br />FLASHBACK 200LBS - October 29th,2009</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>When I began my weight loss journey almost 3 years ago, I never imagined how completely and totally it would effect every area of my life. How shedding pounds of disgusting fat would show so immediately in how I live my life.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>When I set out originally to lose 50 lbs I was just doing it for my clients. At the time I worked in a weight loss clinic as a personal weight loss consultant. Helping clients lose their weight once and for all through healthy life style changes. I felt in order to better guide them on their weight loss journey I had better follow my own advice and lose my extra pounds as well. Plus what better inspiration could I be to my clients then to lose weight right along side them.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>But as a few pounds began to drop off I began getting more then just the inspiration I thought I was giving to my clients. I was beginning my own personal journey into my own self discovery. I was completely unaware that I was about to embark on a journey that ultimately would change who I was not only on the outside but on the inside as well. My entire life was about to get an overhaul and the people around me were going to experience this change for good or ill.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>Let me explain.....</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>To understand Fat is to understand your relationship with food. Food can become an addiction easier then smoking or alcohol can. Food is readily available to you, you need food to survive. It's not like you can quit food, and why would you want to. When on every channel you watch is mouth watering tasty morsels of food. Not to mention that as children we are taught by watching our mothers and sisters and aunts turn to food anytime some thing was amiss in their lives. Food is used as comfort, for the bad times as well as the good times with celebrations like Christmas. Every one has a relationship with food whether it is a healthy one or not, whether you are over weight or not. Understanding this relationship is key to understanding yourself and how you deal with life. I was learning how I dealt with my life...and it was not healthy.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>I was learning that I was someone who used food to hide my life, to hide what I disliked about my life. I was someone who was not happy with themselves, as I had so wonderfully convinced myself I was. As with any addiction I was hiding behind my fat. By being fat I didn't have to partake in life. I didn't have to go swimming with my kids, cause a bathing suit and me were not allowed to be paired together... hahaha Peared!! By being fat I didn't have to travel... have u tried to get over 200lbs into an airplane seat? And amusement parks nope, didn't have to worry I was way to fat for that ride. I was designated coat holder and I convinced myself that I was okay with this. I also convinced myself that I was happily married and letting oneself go was normal, acceptable even. Lets be honest though, there were other things I did get to do, like enjoy a great meal at the Keg with my husband, or go to the movies where I secretly was just going for the popcorn, and omg. hello? Thanksgiving!! I surrounded myself with people and situations that embraced my fat. When I started losing the fat I began losing the situations and people that supported the fat. And that's where my life began to change. With every pound lost another toxin was cleared from my life. Some was welcomed change and other changes were hard to chew. The fact I sit here with my life upside down is one that's hard to chew.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>We spend so much time rationalizing our weight problems. Convincing ourselves that we will get skinny when we are ready. They have created books to help you love yourself as u are, fat and all. Society has made is acceptable to be fat. All these are nothing more then fat blockers to allow u to keep the status quo. It's easier right? And then there is the fear of what ifs? What’s if you do lose this weight? 'Look at Angie she left her husband after she lost all her weight, and look at</i></div><div><i>Cathy she is such a bitch now that she's skinny.' We all do it.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>And this was all oblivious to me in the beginning. I really did just set out to be the best consultant possible and to teach and guide my clients as best as possible. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would change as dramatically as it has... and still is. I begin my story in the middle and I invite you to be a part of my future growth by understanding my past lessons. And maybe you can relate and make the changes necessary in your life to lead the life you were truly meant to live, and not hide behind the fat, smoke or alcohol any longer</i></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-57222195360232150992010-04-08T20:54:00.003-06:002010-04-08T20:56:07.631-06:00FIRST APARTMENT AT 35!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_hQnJdhNIp2WXPI_ktGO-DtIhWpBkZUnHGISc0TgZsBw9rtLV4DfnYzkZk_rvvLlNEdT2RKR-EyoNOYco0eVvmDECHEgZrJXvn8CY63c1hlXaeItfpU7OxBAJeNc-8W0RTa1TY5rLtPQ/s1600/100752681_6e06d3a724.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_hQnJdhNIp2WXPI_ktGO-DtIhWpBkZUnHGISc0TgZsBw9rtLV4DfnYzkZk_rvvLlNEdT2RKR-EyoNOYco0eVvmDECHEgZrJXvn8CY63c1hlXaeItfpU7OxBAJeNc-8W0RTa1TY5rLtPQ/s400/100752681_6e06d3a724.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457966003961434898" border="0" /></a><br /><div><i><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />FIRST APARTMENT AT 35 - October 29th, 2009</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I currently live in this ultra cute little attic bachelor-ette suite in a 1920's house.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>It's a tall yellow house in an old part of town, where the tree's canopy the street, just outside of downtown E-Town. I am three stories up and have a great view of beautiful old houses all around me. I am 8 houses away from the football stadium to the south, Rexell place few blocks northeast and Northlands just east of me. You could say I live in the heart of the city.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>Four apartments co-exists together in this house. A small bachelor in the basement, a large 2 bedroom on the main floor, a sweet one bedroom on the second floor just below me. And at the very top is me and my two room(kitchen and living room/bedroom) cozy apartment. In each apartment you will find a single female and her cat. I have not learned all their stories yet, but I have only seen women coming and going from the suites in the month that I have been here.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I feel liberated and honoured to live in such a place with so much character, history and a feeling of unity amongst it's residence.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>To get to my apartment you travel up a cute winding staircase that just seems to go on forever, and ever, but when u get to the top, your view is wonderful. </i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>………So why is it then, that I cry every time I get to the top of my stairs. Why do I find myself so lost, that I can just stand and stare at nothing for hours. When my legs get sore, I sit at my kitchen table my only furniture and stare for even more hours. I look around and everything feels so strange to me. So empty, void of all life, unloving and just plain cold. Not to mention I have no source of distraction, no TV, no Internet, nothing.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>My home is like an enemy to me. I hate it. I am angry at it. It ripped me from my life. It is my new jail. But then feelings of anger turn into feelings of betrayal, because it is so cute and innocent. So inviting and warm. How can I be angry. So then how do I feel... lost. Lonely.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I leave in the morning and I come back and nothing has changed. There is nothing to clean up. There is no one to greet me at the door. It is quiet and peaceful. Nothing is misplaced. Everything is in perfect order. Too perfect. There is nothing for me to do but sit and be and eat. I made spaghetti with nacho cheese sauce. Turning to food to help me deal with life has risen it's ugly head again, I am embarrassed to say.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I have a blow up bed that I crawl into nightly and struggle mentally to get out of bed in the morning. I have a coffee maker that has become my best friend. As I sip my coffee on the east facing emergency escape out my back door I let the tears stream down my face.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>I let all my grief wash over me. I allow the pain of not living with my children seep out through my eyes. I allow my grief of closing the door on 17 wonderful years of marriage come up like a tidal wave. I allow my heart to break over the loss of my career. I allow old family hurts to raise up and join in the moving of the emotional waters. I allow the loneliness and isolation to embrace me.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>And I just sit in the morning sun and sip my coffee as my emotions release like a tidal wave over me. Wave after wave cleanse me. The birds sit in silence watching me. After what feels like hours, it's all over. So I get up and I start decorating.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>How many times through the years have I longed for my own place? My own space? How many times did I wish that after I cleaned something it would just stay clean? And stay clean for more then a few seconds. How many times did I just beg for some peace and quiet? And not random moments of silence but the kind I could command at will. How many times did I long for my privacy? Space where I could do what I wanted without judgment from others. Having moved directly from my mother to my husband, how many times did I wonder what it would be like to live on my own? Did I ever imagine it to be like this?</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>No!</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>So why am I allowing it to become such a negative thing? I keep coming back to what others must think of me. I left my kids with my husband. That can't be good. what type of mother could do that? Wait, the fact I left my husband.. period. That's going to have some negative backlash from those close to us for sure. What about the fact I quit my beloved job. All these mistakes I have made.. mistakes that society frowns upon. mistakes...... ?</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>Enough of what I think, people may be thinking of me. I do not regret my decisions.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>So I got a cat! Now I have something to clean!! And she is a damn messy cat! lol Now someone greets me when I get to the top of my stairs, full of purrs and love for me. And my kids come over frequently and love moms new place. And guess what? I encourage them to make a mess and invade my space. I got Internet and feel connected again and watch TV through justintv.com. I put up pictures and decorated in my witchy flighty own way. And now I crank the tunes on my karaoke machine(my only source of equipment to play music) and spin in circles and dance at my freedom!</i></div><div><i>In the mornings, I bounce out of bed. Laterally lol. I go for a run, I meditate and I try to do other things then eat. And everyday my apartment becomes more like home.<br /></i></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-32727616077638119102010-04-08T20:49:00.003-06:002010-04-08T20:52:42.024-06:00FROM THE BEGINING TO THE END<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsX8GrS6hPT1yypxxdDb1MnF6gM53zRI5Xbh4HUX2DCubERvZzF2FgTQdN2J2L_AZ1U2rhamG2UEcdEzK-VLxe6rNBpch2CKc7tLVLAwhB88veOVQqMmgyWgw_ptP5t4powCSibp4Acs8/s1600/depressed.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 357px; height: 281px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsX8GrS6hPT1yypxxdDb1MnF6gM53zRI5Xbh4HUX2DCubERvZzF2FgTQdN2J2L_AZ1U2rhamG2UEcdEzK-VLxe6rNBpch2CKc7tLVLAwhB88veOVQqMmgyWgw_ptP5t4powCSibp4Acs8/s400/depressed.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457965176367213682" border="0" /></a><br /><div><i><br /><br />FROM THE BEGINNING TO THE END - October 29th, 2009</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I sit here and wonder..... How did I get here?</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>Not the huge philosophical question of how we as humans evolved, although I do question that as well sometimes. What I am contemplating is how I got to this place in my life? Do you ever have moments where you look at your life and think... WTF?</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>Today I sit here and wonder.. WTF? I am unemployed, recently separated from my 17 year marriage and am without my children because they choose to stay with him instead. Everything happened so swiftly in the past couple of months that I sit here stunned. What happened? What went wrong? I feel like I just got hit by a bus and I am waking up today in the hospital with a loss of my worldly life.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>Everything I know is gone. My source of income is gone. My support system is gone. My material possessions are gone. My lover is gone. My children are gone. My sense of purpose is gone. The reason I get up in the morning is gone. Who I was before the bus hit me is all gone. Everything I identified with is gone. And these realizations are so all encompassing that I find it hard to breath at moments.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>Have you ever felt loss so great before? Almost like someone came into your room while you slept and opened up a valve in you and everything just poured out of you. Everything that meant anything to you, just slipped right out of that valve. Once you were empty the valve closed and you woke up to nothing. In a matter of hours everything you had been working on is gone. Everything you cherished and loved is gone from you.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>That's where I sit today.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>Everything is gone yet I am still here. I still have breath in my lungs and I am still alive.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>So now what? I take a deep breath and wonder. Where do I go from here? Really if I pull myself out of my WTF's and look around me the sun is shining there are fresh flowers in front of me and I sit here listening to Pat Benetars, Love is a Battle Field. It's not like I am the only one in life that has experienced loss before. How do other people pick themselves up from this?</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I can tell you what I am not going to do. I am not going to sit here and cry about how bad I have it. Sit here and point fingers and blame others for my situation. I am not going to beg the higher powers to bring me back my life. I am not going to bargain to be a better person to get my security back. I am not going to live in fear of the unknown and I am not going to allow this challenge to win me.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I am going to fight to create the perfect life for myself. And that creating comes from within. Taking what I have learned through my person battle with weight and utilizing that to create the perfect life and body to match. I have overcome 80lbs of fat, I am going to overcome this as well.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6857701991846091443.post-45939101548166059702010-04-08T20:29:00.002-06:002010-04-08T20:34:21.389-06:00PRELUDE TO A LOVE STORY<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkdyNWRzr8VXJy4pC33Li9lbPHuSFx7vYB8eWOaVeVUTQmFkiquwYvTHlaKP2lFHCVN2bsniymKS3JcoSzNC6YI-rl59xhiqaGs4Xz5zeYoVKCnb8pCpulywbZkOu4AnxHCmwhlROtOks/s1600/danny-hahlbohm-lovers.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkdyNWRzr8VXJy4pC33Li9lbPHuSFx7vYB8eWOaVeVUTQmFkiquwYvTHlaKP2lFHCVN2bsniymKS3JcoSzNC6YI-rl59xhiqaGs4Xz5zeYoVKCnb8pCpulywbZkOu4AnxHCmwhlROtOks/s400/danny-hahlbohm-lovers.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457960322837713922" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />He found himself traveling the world. He was on a genealogy quest, hunting the globe for long lost family members. Family being of the utmost importance to him, he desired to bring all his loved ones together. Fueled with an insatiable desire to drink in all the worlds cultures on his quest, his desires took him from Mexico, to Germany, to Spain; around the globe he trotted.<br /><br /><br />Living off the land, stumbling upon some amazing experiences and taking random jobs here and there, he experienced both sides of life. There were times where he went weeks without food and had only the rats to keep him company deep in the sewers of the richest country, but there were also times when he was so deep in the high life of a society that deemed him untouchable. This society allowed him the luxury of living in a mansion with his own servants and driving a Jag.<br /><br /><br /><br />Through out all the countries and all the levels of wealth he never got caught up in situations that could possibly tie him down, therefor never allowed himself to get attached to material objects or people. However, one girl did catch his attention.<br /><br /><br />That was ten years ago now, and the door was shut tight. He found love and he choose to leave love. No drama, no regrets, no lessons to learn. It was fun while it was there and the memory is enough, but it was his memory and only his. He will never share that. That was ten years ago and there has been no one since. He liked it that way.<br /><br /><br />China, Indonesia and Saudi Arabia. Meeting amazing people and making life long friendships. These were the type of friends that got your back when you need them, the type of people that you want on your side when life throws you curve ball. He did create some enemies along the way as well, however, there is no where in this world that he is not welcomed. Contemplating this, he finds himself feeling very alone. Something is stirring with him.<br /><br /><br />The life of a nomad is what he chooses for himself. It suits him. He can go where he wants, when he wants with no one to answer to. Nothing holding him back, nothing confining him. He is a strange character, not willing to share himself with anyone. He keeps everyone at arms length and is always watching over his back. Protection of ones’ self is his key concern in life, but suddenly as if out of no where he longs for something. Something deep within him is calling out and he cannot hear what it is, or maybe he is refusing to listen. Pushing it to the side he goes on with his search for family.<br /><br /><br />Over the ocean to the United States he travels, moving north he finds himself in the cold white tundra. Upon arriving in this country he found out quickly that it was a dead end for his family search. There was no more world to search, there were no more family members to find. Time to turn around and head home. Yet something is pulling at him. He suddenly finds himself tied to the earth in this specific town in this strange country. Rooted, unable to bring himself back to the plane he decides to trust his hunch and stick it out in this country for a bit.<br /><br /><br />As with every other country he found himself a job very quickly and began making friends. Those types of friends again that have your back, high and powerful friends. Life was good for him here. He liked it, yet something was missing. He found it gnawing at him increasingly as time went on. What was it that was pulling at him? Strange.<br /><br /><br />After a year of working, a year of enjoying the cold dark winter and meeting wonderful new people, he found himself questioning what he was doing here? What is he waiting for, was that root still deeply planted? He went with his hunch and stayed, but it has been over a year and he still feels strange. Nothing is happening though, life has become mundane and he has become restless. News of his fathers ailing health solidifies the decision to move on. It was time to stop searching and go home where his family needed him. He bought a one way ticket home, scheduled for December 21st, 2009.<br /><br /><br />Two months till Christmas and all his world travels will be behind him and he will go back to his roots and live out his life taking care of his father and younger brother.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">****************<br /></div><br /><br /><br />She was 15 years deep into her marriage when she realized she was miserable.<br /><br /><br />Her husband was a wonderful father to their three children, he was a good provider and her best friend. A perfect man some would say, and she was certain a few of her friends harbored secret crushes on him, which always made her smile. She lived a good, middle class life; a life she and her husband had worked very hard to build. Three beautiful well rounded kids, a welcoming home, decent vehicles and a beloved dog and parrot. Who would complain about that? She had the fairy-tale life. However, when her friends commented about how wonderful her relationship with her husband was, a small part of her died inside.<br /><br /><br /><br />She worked long hours, helping people made her feel better. When she wasn't working she found herself at the bar lavishing in the attention from sexy men. It was not the excitement of this taboo behavior she craved, but going home to her drab, monotonous life kept her going back for the alternate attention. At work however, she found herself moving up the corporate ladder quickly. Moving up the ladder meant promotions and moves to other cities.<br /><br /><br />A move to a new city! This was it, this was her answer. To bring the passion and spice back to her relationship this move, the new city, will bring the thrill and spark back and help mend the tears in the marriage. With excitement she accepted the promotion, and suddenly her mind moved to all the wonderful things this meant. New fresh romance, passion, new things to experience together as a couple in a new city, maybe new things to share and more to gain in common! Yes, she thanked her lucky stars for this opportunity.<br /><br /><br />The promotion has some sacrifices, however. Six months in another city without her family. At first the thought was unbearable, away from her babies? As she chewed it, it became an opportunity. Being away from her kids meant many things. It gave her husband a chance to taste how hard she worked at home, it also gave her kids a chance to appreciate her. It also gave her a chance to get her act together, maybe being without them will show her how lucky she is. The marriage side of things would surely improve as well, absence makes the heart grow fonder! This is exactly what her marriage needed. A break. This is exactly what she needed. A break.<br /><br /><br />For six months she worked, ate and slept. She was back in her old home town and found herself visiting old friends and going out quite a bit. At first she found the freedom to be exciting and fun, but after a couple of weeks she wanted to go home. This was not fun, this was not what she wanted. Yes, here was her revelation, this was exactly what she needed to remind her of how much she loved her family. She spent the next five months fantasizing about all the great things her and her husband would do now, all the things they would have in common. The heights of passion they were about to embark on kept her going on those long lonely days.<br /><br /><br />Another transfer to a brand new city brought her back into her families arms. In a new city, back with some old friends who had also relocated there, great jobs. Perfection?<br /><br /><br />Once her children were settled into there new rooms that first night, she found herself in her husbands arms. The familiar feel of his biceps was very welcoming. As her husband went to kiss her however, a sensation of revolt so strong came across her, that the kiss ended abruptly. It felt like she had just French kissed her brother! What was going on? Ignoring it she went back to the kiss and endured it in silence. Later that evening, her husband began to catch on that something was not right between them. He desperately sought out her eyes for the answers, and she knew she had to face the facts.<br /><br /><br />Looking into her husbands concerned face she assured him everything would be okay. She knew it was a lie, but she did not know what else to say. It was at that moment she realized her marriage was over and there was nothing more she could do to save it. She decided she will wait till after Christmas to break the news.<br /><br /><br />Yet two months before Christmas, she has this uncontrollable urge to end it now. She cannot describe it or understand it, but she knows she cannot argue it. It is too strong. She tries to ignore it, but each day the need gets stronger. She needs out, she is going to suffocate. She begins to panic, she needs out! Upon getting off work one day she finds herself on auto pilot. Driving home she knows what she is about to do, and there is nothing that can be done to stop it at this point. In the house she walks, straight to her husband. Standing before him, completely void of emotion she asks for a divorce.<br /><br /><br />Two months before Christmas she finds herself single and alone. Completely unsure of why all the urgency......Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1