GRATIFICATIONS LOVE TO HATE

'...And most of all I will love myself. For when I do I will zealously inspect all things which enter my body, my mind, my soul, and my heart. Never will I overindulge the requests of my flesh, rather I will cherish my body with cleanliness and moderation.'

Its 7am on a Sunday, my son does not have hockey practice, I question why I am in a alert state at this moment. The reason? Because my ribcage hurts from the 10 hours of sleep I just indulged in, this followed by 14 hours yesterday! Am I sick? Nope. Am I recovering from something? Nope. Am I depressed? Not really, trying to self induce it maybe. Analysis incomplete.

Annoyed at being up so early on my sleep in day I decide to treat myself to a Tim Hortons coffee. Coffee which I cut out of my diet two weeks ago cause of the midday crash it would induce. As I get to the little microphone at the drive thru I hear myself ordering 2 extra large triple triples. Who is this second coffee for? Hmmm... My mind figures I have no coffee at home and you know, ones not gonna be enough for you today. Well, go big or go home, I hear the little evil bitch in my ear giggle.

Lady Vixen, the addict in me is alive and well I acknowledge begrudgingly. This is when thoughts of the war with her lead me back to self love. What the hell is that really and why is it so hard for me to do this?

The above is another saying from the 'Worlds Greatest Salesman' that I have been battling with my whole life. For many years I been on the search for the easy answer to self love. Instant gratification always getting the best of me on my journey. This society we have created does not make it easy to love ourselves. It breeds addiction and overindulgence at ever curve of the river.

This is one of my personal struggles, bringing it back to me and to stop blaming society for all of my woes. I realize that our environment is what it is and its up to me to overcome and walk the path that has been carved out for me. I continually and painfully climb up the cliffs and banks to each side of my path always curious as to what else is out there. This is where the shiny objects and the neon signs on the other side of the ledge captivate my attention. Once I have climbed over to the other side my addict takes over and life becomes a game of how much can I overindulge. Sin city always welcomes my return and works very hard to keep my business.

Why is it that we overindulge in the first place? I find today I am desperately trying to go to extremes to sabotage my path. Drugs, promiscuity, food, sleep, negative thoughts.... and I am sure there are several more I could add to this list if I allowed my mind to go there. I dont want to however, because that will just give me more fuel to harm my body with. It all comes back to self love and filling that void.

I know I am not the only one falling victim to self hate. Every second person in my city is over weight, and the other half is not moderating their drug and alcohol use. This understanding i find is one of those pieces of information I would be better off not having, because it makes me feel defeated before I even begin. If over half of my peers over indulge how am I ever going to stop, or why do I even have to? If there doing it and surviving why cant I?

Momma's voice pops into my head and asks if I am willing to jump off the bridge to because everyone else is?

As the years have gone by I have peeled layer after layer off in my self love vs. self hate battle and I find I am beginning to get to the core of it. I have read every book out there teaching me how to love myself but I find all of them are wanting to go so deep into your trauma's that they neglect the simple direct approach.

Stop physically killing yourself first.

Don't kid yourself over eating is killing yourself. Number one cause of death in the modern world is obesity. Every single person that is obese is so by choice. Sorry folks but your not special with a disease that cause fat to miraculously form on your body. You eat to many starches and thats what caused it. Too Simple.

When you stop eating however that self hate has to have some outlet to express itself, so it finds another avenue. Drugs for some people are another hating option. Again junkie you do have an option, a huge and I mean very huge portion of our healthcare dollars go to making free programs to help you get off drugs. It's your choice to stay on the streets and stick the needle in your arm. I choose to stay high for three years recently, and to walk away from my dream job, my family and my security because I choose to hate myself.

Now that I am no longer overeating, or smoking dope, I find that I am oversleeping and indulging in all the requests of my flesh. Every time I indulge now however i am brutally aware of another way I am hating myself and I make a point to do something I love for myself. I am finding ways to live clean and to detoxify my body, soul and mind. I am practicing the moderation that I taught my weight loss clients for three years to honor. I am now taking physical and tangible steps to love myself.

The serenity prayer tells me to focus on only whats in my control and overindulging is absolutely something I can work actively on. The self love cannot be forced, it is out of my control. I do understand how by actively working on showing Lady Vixen that she cannot lead me down the dead ends anymore that I will easily begin to follow my own path and begin to see the rewards of my own carved out road has to offer.

The instant gratification of My vixen is keeping me in my self hate pool of pity, I am bored with this after 30 years of its indulgence. I embrace the challenge of staying on my own path of salvation and walking into my true destiny's loving embrace.

Just for today I will not overindulge in the requests of my flesh. (...After this second cup of coffee that is!!)